CAMPUS NEWS

Ok This Has Been Fun, Can We Be Done Now, Please?

ST. PETER, MN — It is day 72 of this godforsaken semester. Thanksgiving break is taunting the student populace from its spot that lies a week away. Midterms have drained the souls of students everywhere, which means that the exams and papers have fulfilled their purpose of creation. When students aren’t thinking about their assignment-filled present, they have the delight of looking forward to a murky and unclear future. Sure, five-year plans exist, but that shit never goes accordingly.

“My tolerance has reached its limit.” Asserts one BioChem senior by the name of Jaden Higgs. “Alcohol doesn’t affect me because I’m drunk all the time, I’m high every day because the weed keeps me from going into a stress-induced panic attack, and I can’t do shrooms because the ego death would make me finally commit to dropping out. I am NOT blowing all my tuition money like that.” 

The Gustavus student body would like to make a plea to the overlords that run this dusty-ass establishment: PLEASE GIVE US A BREAK. Please?! The students feel as if they are deserving of a little treat, with that treat being an extended thanksgiving break WITHOUT the assignment of additional homework related to finals. The kids need a break, one free of academic obligations and stress. The students know that the professors would like a break as well, so it seems like a fair request all around. 

With nasty Res-Life stories coming forward and students being expected to navigate the hellscape of MyGustavus to register for classes, some type of compensation is needed to appease students — and everyone knows that Gustavus would sooner shut down than give substantial financial compensation that doesn’t take the form of gift cards.

“Everyday, I wake up, go to work, go to class, come back to my silly little dorm and either do homework or stress about homework until I pass out. Some days, if I’m lucky, I get a nap in. HAVE I EVEN BEEN LIVING? I only get to be myself for maybe 2 hours out of my entire day,” laments junior history major Cameron Mund, “I’M READY TO BE DONE NOW!”

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