WASHINGTON, DC – Following the Biden administration’s controversial decision to withdraw the United States from Afghanistan, culminating in the fall of its capital city Kabul to the Taliban, American soldiers have been wondering where the United States will decide to start its next twenty-year-long unwinnable war. Sources report that President Biden has been wondering too. On Monday, the commander-in-chief reportedly spun a prize wheel to decide the next nation to which the United States will send its military.

According to multiple sources inside the White House, President Biden gathered the Joint Chiefs of Staff in the Oval Office on short notice and officially spun the wheel. Nations available for the United States to invade included Kuwait, China, Iran, Russia, Venezuela, Egypt, and, puzzlingly, Israel, Greenland, and Canada. Speaking on the matter, one anonymous White House staffer said that “all the countries on there were picked by him. I don’t know why he picked Canada. We had to talk him out of putting the UK on there. He said it was either the UK or Canada. We chose correctly.”

Reportedly, Biden’s first spin landed on Greenland. Laughter emerged from the Joint Chiefs, and Biden allegedly said “That one’s for later. Not yet, boys,” and spun the wheel again. His second spin reportedly landed on Venezuela, which caused the President to rub his hands together, put on a pair of Aviator sunglasses, and dismiss the Joint Chiefs. “I’ve got to address the nation… and make a couple calls,” he allegedly stated.

As a bunch of draft dodgers, we here at the Fourth Crown would like to issue an apology in advance to all able-bodied 18-to-25-year-old Americans. It’s nothing personal. We get that you just wanted the free college. And our government just wanted the oil.