ST PETER, MN — The end of the fall semester is upon us, and as the hours of daylight decrease, so does the collective mental stability of students. Gustavus is an institution that takes student mental health almost as seriously as it does parking violations, and there are numerous mental health resources accessible to students like workshops, support groups, therapy dogs, a meditation chair, and individual counseling sessions with six qualified counseling professionals. With the combination of seasonal depressive disorder, increased academic stress, and the fact that we have been living through literal hell for the past two years and the pandemic is no longer a valid reason to be struggling, Gustavus’s mental health resources are in unprecedented demand. As a result of this monumental increase in mental instability, the Gustavus Counseling Center has announced that its services are completely booked until Spring of 2032. 

“This time of year is great for our business. Unfortunately, we are unable to help everyone all of the time, and struggling students are sort of out of luck as of now” says Counseling Center director Hannah Godbout. 

The Counseling Center has historically struggled with overbooking, but all efforts to increase staff availability and decrease mental distress on campus have failed, resulting in a decade of full sessions. Some students are not shocked by this news as senior Jamie Black laments: “I’ve been trying to see a counselor since my first year but they’re always booked up. To keep from spiraling I’ve developed a pretty severe substance abuse issue, but I can’t be seen to treat that, either.” As Gusties scramble to find new ways to cope with their monotonous lives of questionable worth, Counseling Center representatives have offered some words of encouragement.  

“We know you can get through the next decade without us, but if you can’t, we suggest taking a break from mental health to focus on school. Put on your big boy pants and cope… Go Gusties!”