ST. PETER, MN—Recently, Gustavus students have been tormented by especially strong breezes, causing widespread pain, suffering, and ruined hairstyles. Here are 5 tips to avoid getting blown away:

1. Don’t. 

If it can be done, one should consider not going outside at all and instead staring wistfully at your class buildings from your window and slowly depleting your food rations. If your grades start to suffer, we would recommend opening the door to your dorm. Once that Gustavus wind body slams you harder than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, you’ll remember why the smart Gusties are rarely spotted in the wild. 

2. Lather Up

For cheap protection from the blustering breeze grab some peanut butter and rub it on all areas of exposed skin before hitting the streets. Hoards of campus squirrels will then flock to you and you will gain several warm layers of those stinky little tree rats. Their sharp, talon-like hands will cling to your skin and they won’t be budged by the arctic gales, resulting in a DIY fur coat. 

3. Protein Pow(d)er

The Fourth Crown challenges our readers to name anything hotter than the sweaty body of a hunky gym-bro. To attract the gym-bros, pick up some protein powder and shake the container loudly while shouting “I can bench more than you”. We guarantee almost instantly all gym-bros within earshot will sprint over as fast as always skipping leg day will allow. With a penguin-like circle of pure muscle around you, you’ll most likely make it to Bio 101 without contracting frostbite. 

4. Approach the Water Dwellers 

We know- we’re afraid of the GAC swim and dive team too. But who can deny that they have some sort of wonder-drug to fend off the cold? After all, we were all witnesses to the 2021 Speedo run on that chilly November night. To gain their immunity from the cold winds, you may have to join this cult-like team. Prepare for the initiation ceremony by memorizing the Gustie rouser and shaving your eyebrows to prove your dedication to speed. 

5. Appeal to Rebecca 

It is a well-known fact that along with controlling our happiness and life savings, Becky Bergman also controls the elements of nature. The wind currently causing the Gustie students so much suffering is nothing but the result of President Bergman testing the limits of her power from her office in the administration building. While nothing brings her more joy than watching students having their hair ripped from their heads as they stumble down Eckmann Mall, there is hope that one of these days she’ll grow bored with the wind and commit instead to bringing down fire from the heavens.