CAMPUS NEWS

Tuition Hike for 2022 to Include $2,000, Left Kidney

ST. PETER, MN—In a campus-wide email sent out this past week, the Gustavus Office of Financial Accumulation announced next year’s tuition costs. The price: an additional two thousand dollars, plus an internal organ. 

This update comes after a long six-month period of deliberation, during which the administration held exactly one ten-minute zoom meeting to determine next year’s price hike. The Office of President Rebecca Bergman released a statement calling the tuition increase “a demonstration of solidarity and commitment to the core values of Gustavus: Justice, Faith, Service, and a Couple Other Things.” The statement continued by congratulating students for their “great display of generosity.” 

“We decided on the left kidney since it’s the least necessary organ that still holds an incredible amount of value,” said Tom Steeler, Chairman of the Board of Reasonable Tuition for a Better Tomorrow. When asked if he thought this was a fair sacrifice, he shrugged. 

“We had a choice between asking for an organ or tacking on an additional $10K,” he stated. “We wanted to be mindful of those students who are less fortunate, so we decided to keep the monetary price manageable and focus on the physical price instead.” 

In the interest of inclusion, Gustavus has also announced that alternate organs will be accepted as payment. Students can request to donate a lung, an eardrum, or a kneecap. In some rare instances where accommodation is granted, an appendix can also be used to cover the cost of tuition. According to Shelby Borbin, professor of biology, any organ is better than none.

“We’re desperate for anything,” Borbin said. “Many of the specimens we’ve already harvested keep going missing. Last week alone, someone stole all the spleens we had in storage. We followed a trail of formaldehyde to the Carlson Administration Building, but the doors were locked and all we could hear was slurping and gnawing coming from inside.” 

Although most responses to the tuition hike have been positive, or at least apathetic, it has been met with outrage from certain quarters. Analytics data demonstrates that 97% of students deleted the announcement email before bothering to read its contents, but the remaining 3% have reportedly been roused to resistance. Four of these students gathered on Eckmann Mall on Tuesday, holding signs that sported outrageously confrontational messages such as “ORGANize” and “I want to keep my kidneys.” 

In response to the pushback from these student activists, the administration’s only comment was, “Wait until you see what we’re gonna charge for room and board.” More updates to follow.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS