ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Do n̷o̶t̵ question the o̶̤͋n̶̯̿c̷̪̀ŏ̴̞m̸̤̅i̴̹̅n̷͎̔g̸̤̕ v̵̡̘̣̣́̄o̶̠̗̼͝i̴̥͆̀d̴͎͙̠́́͑ͅ. Let it g̸̖̥̫̻͕͕͋̋̅̕u̷͚͚̙̼͖̝̣̅͐̀̕i̴̡͙͔̘̋͑̈́̈́̅̌͝d̷͇̳̗̔͜e̸̟̅̈̾͗̌̀ y̵̧̤̻̰̝̒̂ͅo̶̫͖̙̹̓̓͐̀͊͐̊̕ŭ̸̢̠̺̯̱̞̹̺̮̑͗̇͒̔̌͋̕͠ͅŗ̸̟̝͈̤̯̙͖̪̐͂̇̐͂͜ è̶̢̱͕͍̫͚̥̝͉͎̔v̵̘̿e̴͈̊̂̄r̶̢̧͔̦̘̮̞̳̟͈̤̅y̵͉̳̼̰̱͕̙̭̙̻͇̳̔̐͌̉̑̇̓̍̄̚͘͜͝ a̷͖̜̦̖͈̱͖̝͓͔̬̭͊̾̄͜͝͝͝ć̵̨̨̡͔̼̖͓̹͔̠̟̭̱͇͈̽͛t̷̬͈̋̌̈̆͋͂́͐͋̅͋̀̔͝͝i̸̛̫̯̩͇͚͎̼̦̣̋̇̾̒ͅo̶̟̙̯̤̬̰̬̫͎̘̟̗̣͒̏̾͛͜͠ͅn̵̢̼̮̹̼̻͓͛̎̏̂̈́̋̉͋̑̓͒̌̎̂̍. L̴̡̨̰̘͖̼̩͙̜̝̤͉̠̝̭̙̖̝̘̠̋Ȩ̶̡͉̪̫̥̼͙͔̥͉̘͎̈̍̇̑͒͗͘͝Ṱ̸̨̮͍͔̞͈̮͐͆̈̃̏̚̕͜͠ ̸̛̱̬̘̰͎͉̖͕̪͚͈͙͐̔͌̃͑̇̋͆̃̿͛̚ͅͅT̷̢̧̨̖̟͍͍̮͍̦̟͉̠̗̗̻̘͍̹͍͈͕̣̞̫̾̇̌̋̒̌͗̉͊̐̑̿̆͒̈̑͌̓̇̅̆͜͠͠H̶̰̮̙̠̽̈̔̕͠͝Ë̸̢̢̨̨̛̺̖̳̩̟͔͚̰̼̩̝͇͙̥͇̰͚̯͍̪̟́̂́̇́̉͑̎̊̐̂̾͌̿̍̋̋͒͠ ̸̧̛̤͈̝̐͂̌̇͋̐͌͑͗͗͛̔͗̆́̋̍̈́̕͜͠V̷̨̛̪̭̺͔̮̲̤̜̣͍͍͕̝͙̠̻̺̋̏́̍̃̈́͗͗̆O̸̡̩̖͇̮̜̥̜̘̘̱̅I̴̡̨͎̻̥̭̮̭̯̱̥̩̣̼͓̱̟̦͕͈̗͈͕͊̈́̈̎̉́̌̈́̃ͅD̶̢̨̻͉͚͍͍̪̥̘̹͚͕̺̣̱̳̪̪̻͘ ̶̩̭͒͐́͐̈̈͂͝͝C̴̡̨̫̝̭̺̺̳̣͔͍̘͓̲̼͚̖̘̬̠̐̂̂͂̏̄̀́͌̃͗͗̔̽̎͆̈́̒̚̕͜Ȏ̵̧̺͖̻̩̖̩̮͉̟̲̜͎̩̈̔̄̈̎̍͗̋͆͊͗͐͘͠͝͝Ņ̶̨̰̱̲̠̺̈́̈́̊̔͊̀̊́̌͋̿̃̈͂͘͝Ṡ̶̢̢̢̨̳̙̖̲̮͍̜̥͉̩̠̦̭͖̮͍͚͍̗͛̅͐̈́͑͋͌̑̊̈́̾̌̑͋́̎͑̄̈́͒̕͠͝͝Ư̷͇̻̝͍͉̈͋̈́̎͌̉̿̾́̒̿̕͘͝M̸̩͇̤͉̟̖̲͈̰͓̹̱͕̆̐̿̑͌͐̆́̅̅̾̇͌̉̅̉́̀͑̒̈́̇̚͝ͅͅE̴̡̻̜̫̟͇̠̞̲͇͚̩̬̣̳̐̍̀̀̌̆̒͆̈́̒̽̓̃͋̏͠ ̸̧̨̛̛̠̺̺̟̰̠̞̙̣̙͓̩̝̹̟͋̌̅̀̃̂͊͒̓̊͐́̄̀͆̋̉͊͛͘͠͝͠͝Ÿ̷̝͓̦̳̜͎͈̣̩̘͓́̈́̃̉͊̐̽Ỡ̴̢̧̛͍͍̹̪̫̳̬͔̳͚̣͍͕͙̙̩̥͌͛̑̆̂́̽̆͌̂́͆͗̿̈̈́͌͋̒͒̀̚͜Ư̵̢̱͖̯̣͙͈͚̖̗̓̑̔͆͆̈́̓̀͊ L̴̡̨̰̘͖̼̩͙̜̝̤͉̠̝̭̙̖̝̘̠̋Ȩ̶̡͉̪̫̥̼͙͔̥͉̘͎̈̍̇̑͒͗͘͝Ṱ̸̨̮͍͔̞͈̮͐͆̈̃̏̚̕͜͠ ̸̛̱̬̘̰͎͉̖͕̪͚͈͙͐̔͌̃͑̇̋͆̃̿͛̚ͅͅT̷̢̧̨̖̟͍͍̮͍̦̟͉̠̗̗̻̘͍̹͍͈͕̣̞̫̾̇̌̋̒̌͗̉͊̐̑̿̆͒̈̑͌̓̇̅̆͜͠͠H̶̰̮̙̠̽̈̔̕͠͝Ë̸̢̢̨̨̛̺̖̳̩̟͔͚̰̼̩̝͇͙̥͇̰͚̯͍̪̟́̂́̇́̉͑̎̊̐̂̾͌̿̍̋̋͒͠ ̸̧̛̤͈̝̐͂̌̇͋̐͌͑͗͗͛̔͗̆́̋̍̈́̕͜͠V̷̨̛̪̭̺͔̮̲̤̜̣͍͍͕̝͙̠̻̺̋̏́̍̃̈́͗͗̆O̸̡̩̖͇̮̜̥̜̘̘̱̅I̴̡̨͎̻̥̭̮̭̯̱̥̩̣̼͓̱̟̦͕͈̗͈͕͊̈́̈̎̉́̌̈́̃ͅD̶̢̨̻͉͚͍͍̪̥̘̹͚͕̺̣̱̳̪̪̻͘ ̶̩̭͒͐́͐̈̈͂͝͝C̴̡̨̫̝̭̺̺̳̣͔͍̘͓̲̼͚̖̘̬̠̐̂̂͂̏̄̀́͌̃͗͗̔̽̎͆̈́̒̚̕͜Ȏ̵̧̺͖̻̩̖̩̮͉̟̲̜͎̩̈̔̄̈̎̍͗̋͆͊͗͐͘͠͝͝Ņ̶̨̰̱̲̠̺̈́̈́̊̔͊̀̊́̌͋̿̃̈͂͘͝Ṡ̶̢̢̢̨̳̙̖̲̮͍̜̥͉̩̠̦̭͖̮͍͚͍̗͛̅͐̈́͑͋͌̑̊̈́̾̌̑͋́̎͑̄̈́͒̕͠͝͝Ư̷͇̻̝͍͉̈͋̈́̎͌̉̿̾́̒̿̕͘͝M̸̩͇̤͉̟̖̲͈̰͓̹̱͕̆̐̿̑͌͐̆́̅̅̾̇͌̉̅̉́̀͑̒̈́̇̚͝ͅͅE̴̡̻̜̫̟͇̠̞̲͇͚̩̬̣̳̐̍̀̀̌̆̒͆̈́̒̽̓̃͋̏͠ ̸̧̨̛̛̠̺̺̟̰̠̞̙̣̙͓̩̝̹̟͋̌̅̀̃̂͊͒̓̊͐́̄̀͆̋̉͊͛͘͠͝͠͝Ÿ̷̝͓̦̳̜͎͈̣̩̘͓́̈́̃̉͊̐̽Ỡ̴̢̧̛͍͍̹̪̫̳̬͔̳͚̣͍͕͙̙̩̥͌͛̑̆̂́̽̆͌̂́͆͗̿̈̈́͌͋̒͒̀̚͜Ư̵̢̱͖̯̣͙͈͚̖̗̓̑̔͆͆̈́̓̀͊ L̴̡̨̰̘͖̼̩͙̜̝̤͉̠̝̭̙̖̝̘̠̋Ȩ̶̡͉̪̫̥̼͙͔̥͉̘͎̈̍̇̑͒͗͘͝Ṱ̸̨̮͍͔̞͈̮͐͆̈̃̏̚̕͜͠ ̸̛̱̬̘̰͎͉̖͕̪͚͈͙͐̔͌̃͑̇̋͆̃̿͛̚ͅͅT̷̢̧̨̖̟͍͍̮͍̦̟͉̠̗̗̻̘͍̹͍͈͕̣̞̫̾̇̌̋̒̌͗̉͊̐̑̿̆͒̈̑͌̓̇̅̆͜͠͠H̶̰̮̙̠̽̈̔̕͠͝Ë̸̢̢̨̨̛̺̖̳̩̟͔͚̰̼̩̝͇͙̥͇̰͚̯͍̪̟́̂́̇́̉͑̎̊̐̂̾͌̿̍̋̋͒͠ ̸̧̛̤͈̝̐͂̌̇͋̐͌͑͗͗͛̔͗̆́̋̍̈́̕͜͠V̷̨̛̪̭̺͔̮̲̤̜̣͍͍͕̝͙̠̻̺̋̏́̍̃̈́͗͗̆O̸̡̩̖͇̮̜̥̜̘̘̱̅I̴̡̨͎̻̥̭̮̭̯̱̥̩̣̼͓̱̟̦͕͈̗͈͕͊̈́̈̎̉́̌̈́̃ͅD̶̢̨̻͉͚͍͍̪̥̘̹͚͕̺̣̱̳̪̪̻͘ ̶̩̭͒͐́͐̈̈͂͝͝C̴̡̨̫̝̭̺̺̳̣͔͍̘͓̲̼͚̖̘̬̠̐̂̂͂̏̄̀́͌̃͗͗̔̽̎͆̈́̒̚̕͜Ȏ̵̧̺͖̻̩̖̩̮͉̟̲̜͎̩̈̔̄̈̎̍͗̋͆͊͗͐͘͠͝͝Ņ̶̨̰̱̲̠̺̈́̈́̊̔͊̀̊́̌͋̿̃̈͂͘͝Ṡ̶̢̢̢̨̳̙̖̲̮͍̜̥͉̩̠̦̭͖̮͍͚͍̗͛̅͐̈́͑͋͌̑̊̈́̾̌̑͋́̎͑̄̈́͒̕͠͝͝Ư̷͇̻̝͍͉̈͋̈́̎͌̉̿̾́̒̿̕͘͝M̸̩͇̤͉̟̖̲͈̰͓̹̱͕̆̐̿̑͌͐̆́̅̅̾̇͌̉̅̉́̀͑̒̈́̇̚͝ͅͅE̴̡̻̜̫̟͇̠̞̲͇͚̩̬̣̳̐̍̀̀̌̆̒͆̈́̒̽̓̃͋̏͠ ̸̧̨̛̛̠̺̺̟̰̠̞̙̣̙͓̩̝̹̟͋̌̅̀̃̂͊͒̓̊͐́̄̀͆̋̉͊͛͘͠͝͠͝Ÿ̷̝͓̦̳̜͎͈̣̩̘͓́̈́̃̉͊̐̽Ỡ̴̢̧̛͍͍̹̪̫̳̬͔̳͚̣͍͕͙̙̩̥͌͛̑̆̂́̽̆͌̂́͆͗̿̈̈́͌͋̒͒̀̚͜Ư̵̢̱͖̯̣͙͈͚̖̗̓̑̔͆͆̈́̓̀͊ L̴̡̨̰̘͖̼̩͙̜̝̤͉̠̝̭̙̖̝̘̠̋Ȩ̶̡͉̪̫̥̼͙͔̥͉̘͎̈̍̇̑͒͗͘͝Ṱ̸̨̮͍͔̞͈̮͐͆̈̃̏̚̕͜͠ ̸̛̱̬̘̰͎͉̖͕̪͚͈͙͐̔͌̃͑̇̋͆̃̿͛̚ͅͅT̷̢̧̨̖̟͍͍̮͍̦̟͉̠̗̗̻̘͍̹͍͈͕̣̞̫̾̇̌̋̒̌͗̉͊̐̑̿̆͒̈̑͌̓̇̅̆͜͠͠H̶̰̮̙̠̽̈̔̕͠͝Ë̸̢̢̨̨̛̺̖̳̩̟͔͚̰̼̩̝͇͙̥͇̰͚̯͍̪̟́̂́̇́̉͑̎̊̐̂̾͌̿̍̋̋͒͠ ̸̧̛̤͈̝̐͂̌̇͋̐͌͑͗͗͛̔͗̆́̋̍̈́̕͜͠V̷̨̛̪̭̺͔̮̲̤̜̣͍͍͕̝͙̠̻̺̋̏́̍̃̈́͗͗̆O̸̡̩̖͇̮̜̥̜̘̘̱̅I̴̡̨͎̻̥̭̮̭̯̱̥̩̣̼͓̱̟̦͕͈̗͈͕͊̈́̈̎̉́̌̈́̃ͅD̶̢̨̻͉͚͍͍̪̥̘̹͚͕̺̣̱̳̪̪̻͘ ̶̩̭͒͐́͐̈̈͂͝͝C̴̡̨̫̝̭̺̺̳̣͔͍̘͓̲̼͚̖̘̬̠̐̂̂͂̏̄̀́͌̃͗͗̔̽̎͆̈́̒̚̕͜Ȏ̵̧̺͖̻̩̖̩̮͉̟̲̜͎̩̈̔̄̈̎̍͗̋͆͊͗͐͘͠͝͝Ņ̶̨̰̱̲̠̺̈́̈́̊̔͊̀̊́̌͋̿̃̈͂͘͝Ṡ̶̢̢̢̨̳̙̖̲̮͍̜̥͉̩̠̦̭͖̮͍͚͍̗͛̅͐̈́͑͋͌̑̊̈́̾̌̑͋́̎͑̄̈́͒̕͠͝͝Ư̷͇̻̝͍͉̈͋̈́̎͌̉̿̾́̒̿̕͘͝M̸̩͇̤͉̟̖̲͈̰͓̹̱͕̆̐̿̑͌͐̆́̅̅̾̇͌̉̅̉́̀͑̒̈́̇̚͝ͅͅE̴̡̻̜̫̟͇̠̞̲͇͚̩̬̣̳̐̍̀̀̌̆̒͆̈́̒̽̓̃͋̏͠ ̸̧̨̛̛̠̺̺̟̰̠̞̙̣̙͓̩̝̹̟͋̌̅̀̃̂͊͒̓̊͐́̄̀͆̋̉͊͛͘͠͝͠͝Ÿ̷̝͓̦̳̜͎͈̣̩̘͓́̈́̃̉͊̐̽Ỡ̴̢̧̛͍͍̹̪̫̳̬͔̳͚̣͍͕͙̙̩̥͌͛̑̆̂́̽̆͌̂́͆͗̿̈̈́͌͋̒͒̀̚͜Ư̵̢̱͖̯̣͙͈͚̖̗̓̑̔͆͆̈́̓̀͊ L̴̡̨̰̘͖̼̩͙̜̝̤͉̠̝̭̙̖̝̘̠̋Ȩ̶̡͉̪̫̥̼͙͔̥͉̘͎̈̍̇̑͒͗͘͝Ṱ̸̨̮͍͔̞͈̮͐͆̈̃̏̚̕͜͠ ̸̛̱̬̘̰͎͉̖͕̪͚͈͙͐̔͌̃͑̇̋͆̃̿͛̚ͅͅT̷̢̧̨̖̟͍͍̮͍̦̟͉̠̗̗̻̘͍̹͍͈͕̣̞̫̾̇̌̋̒̌͗̉͊̐̑̿̆͒̈̑͌̓̇̅̆͜͠͠H̶̰̮̙̠̽̈̔̕͠͝Ë̸̢̢̨̨̛̺̖̳̩̟͔͚̰̼̩̝͇͙̥͇̰͚̯͍̪̟́̂́̇́̉͑̎̊̐̂̾͌̿̍̋̋͒͠ ̸̧̛̤͈̝̐͂̌̇͋̐͌͑͗͗͛̔͗̆́̋̍̈́̕͜͠V̷̨̛̪̭̺͔̮̲̤̜̣͍͍͕̝͙̠̻̺̋̏́̍̃̈́͗͗̆O̸̡̩̖͇̮̜̥̜̘̘̱̅I̴̡̨͎̻̥̭̮̭̯̱̥̩̣̼͓̱̟̦͕͈̗͈͕͊̈́̈̎̉́̌̈́̃ͅD̶̢̨̻͉͚͍͍̪̥̘̹͚͕̺̣̱̳̪̪̻͘ ̶̩̭͒͐́͐̈̈͂͝͝C̴̡̨̫̝̭̺̺̳̣͔͍̘͓̲̼͚̖̘̬̠̐̂̂͂̏̄̀́͌̃͗͗̔̽̎͆̈́̒̚̕͜Ȏ̵̧̺͖̻̩̖̩̮͉̟̲̜͎̩̈̔̄̈̎̍͗̋͆͊͗͐͘͠͝͝Ņ̶̨̰̱̲̠̺̈́̈́̊̔͊̀̊́̌͋̿̃̈͂͘͝Ṡ̶̢̢̢̨̳̙̖̲̮͍̜̥͉̩̠̦̭͖̮͍͚͍̗͛̅͐̈́͑͋͌̑̊̈́̾̌̑͋́̎͑̄̈́͒̕͠͝͝Ư̷͇̻̝͍͉̈͋̈́̎͌̉̿̾́̒̿̕͘͝M̸̩͇̤͉̟̖̲͈̰͓̹̱͕̆̐̿̑͌͐̆́̅̅̾̇͌̉̅̉́̀͑̒̈́̇̚͝ͅͅE̴̡̻̜̫̟͇̠̞̲͇͚̩̬̣̳̐̍̀̀̌̆̒͆̈́̒̽̓̃͋̏͠ ̸̧̨̛̛̠̺̺̟̰̠̞̙̣̙͓̩̝̹̟͋̌̅̀̃̂͊͒̓̊͐́̄̀͆̋̉͊͛͘͠͝͠͝Ÿ̷̝͓̦̳̜͎͈̣̩̘͓́̈́̃̉͊̐̽Ỡ̴̢̧̛͍͍̹̪̫̳̬͔̳͚̣͍͕͙̙̩̥͌͛̑̆̂́̽̆͌̂́͆͗̿̈̈́͌͋̒͒̀̚͜Ư̵̢̱͖̯̣͙͈͚̖̗̓̑̔͆͆̈́̓̀͊ L̴̡̨̰̘͖̼̩͙̜̝̤͉̠̝̭̙̖̝̘̠̋Ȩ̶̡͉̪̫̥̼͙͔̥͉̘͎̈̍̇̑͒͗͘͝Ṱ̸̨̮͍͔̞͈̮͐͆̈̃̏̚̕͜͠ ̸̛̱̬̘̰͎͉̖͕̪͚͈͙͐̔͌̃͑̇̋͆̃̿͛̚ͅͅT̷̢̧̨̖̟͍͍̮͍̦̟͉̠̗̗̻̘͍̹͍͈͕̣̞̫̾̇̌̋̒̌͗̉͊̐̑̿̆͒̈̑͌̓̇̅̆͜͠͠H̶̰̮̙̠̽̈̔̕͠͝Ë̸̢̢̨̨̛̺̖̳̩̟͔͚̰̼̩̝͇͙̥͇̰͚̯͍̪̟́̂́̇́̉͑̎̊̐̂̾͌̿̍̋̋͒͠ ̸̧̛̤͈̝̐͂̌̇͋̐͌͑͗͗͛̔͗̆́̋̍̈́̕͜͠V̷̨̛̪̭̺͔̮̲̤̜̣͍͍͕̝͙̠̻̺̋̏́̍̃̈́͗͗̆O̸̡̩̖͇̮̜̥̜̘̘̱̅I̴̡̨͎̻̥̭̮̭̯̱̥̩̣̼͓̱̟̦͕͈̗͈͕͊̈́̈̎̉́̌̈́̃ͅD̶̢̨̻͉͚͍͍̪̥̘̹͚͕̺̣̱̳̪̪̻͘ ̶̩̭͒͐́͐̈̈͂͝͝C̴̡̨̫̝̭̺̺̳̣͔͍̘͓̲̼͚̖̘̬̠̐̂̂͂̏̄̀́͌̃͗͗̔̽̎͆̈́̒̚̕͜Ȏ̵̧̺͖̻̩̖̩̮͉̟̲̜͎̩̈̔̄̈̎̍͗̋͆͊͗͐͘͠͝͝Ņ̶̨̰̱̲̠̺̈́̈́̊̔͊̀̊́̌͋̿̃̈͂͘͝Ṡ̶̢̢̢̨̳̙̖̲̮͍̜̥͉̩̠̦̭͖̮͍͚͍̗͛̅͐̈́͑͋͌̑̊̈́̾̌̑͋́̎͑̄̈́͒̕͠͝͝Ư̷͇̻̝͍͉̈͋̈́̎͌̉̿̾́̒̿̕͘͝M̸̩͇̤͉̟̖̲͈̰͓̹̱͕̆̐̿̑͌͐̆́̅̅̾̇͌̉̅̉́̀͑̒̈́̇̚͝ͅͅE̴̡̻̜̫̟͇̠̞̲͇͚̩̬̣̳̐̍̀̀̌̆̒͆̈́̒̽̓̃͋̏͠ ̸̧̨̛̛̠̺̺̟̰̠̞̙̣̙͓̩̝̹̟͋̌̅̀̃̂͊͒̓̊͐́̄̀͆̋̉͊͛͘͠͝͠͝Ÿ̷̝͓̦̳̜͎͈̣̩̘͓́̈́̃̉͊̐̽Ỡ̴̢̧̛͍͍̹̪̫̳̬͔̳͚̣͍͕͙̙̩̥͌͛̑̆̂́̽̆͌̂́͆͗̿̈̈́͌͋̒͒̀̚͜Ư̵̢̱͖̯̣͙͈͚̖̗̓̑̔͆͆̈́̓̀͊

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Hey, Aries has been acting pretty weird lately. Maybe check up on them. Be sure to do it pretty late at night, though. You don’t want to interrupt their day, because finals have been getting to them pretty hard.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

It’s been a while since you’ve heard from Taurus, hasn’t it? That’s weird. Maybe they’re just busy with classes. It is finals season, after all. D̸̖̑o̵͎̊ ̶͔͐n̷͙̆ó̸͖t̵̰̿h̷̖͒ḭ̶̏n̴̗̂ǧ̶̯ about this i̷n̶c̸o̵n̴v̸enience.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Your significant other is going to break up with you in a couple days. It seems a bit out of the blue, we know, but don’t shoot the messengers.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Aries has been looking at you kind of funny lately. We’d probably ŝ̵̛̱̩̝̦̘̺̜̪̗̿̌̿̈̚t̸͎̭̃̈́̇̀̏̌̊̎̔̚̕͠ạ̶̡̨͙̝̭̠͇̖͇̖͚̟̌̆͒̔̋̕͝y̸̲͔̫̳̮̳̘̌̑͒̕͜ͅ ̷̡̹̟̪̤͍̦͉͙̩̈̊̍̇͛̑̇̕͘͜͠͠o̸͚̥̣͔̥̫̭̘̳̻͒̇͆͆͋͒̿͋u̸̡̦̮͙͇̪̟̔̐̃̈́̇̆̑͌͜ͅt̷̞͖̱̔͊̅̒̽͊͌͂ of their w̵̨̢͇̻̣̍͂́̏̚ͅa̴̱̙͉̗͗̽̍͗̾y̴̼̦̤͓̽. You don’t want to get too mixed up with whatever they’ve got going on.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Finals are coming, and that means lots of stress. There’s really no way around it, but try going to on-campus events like Midnight Express! If nothing else, it’ll take your mind off of how badly you’re failing that one class for an hour or two.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Nemo shall return to campus this month, and shall bless you with the gift of eternal life. Or he’ll scratch you a few times. We’re really not sure.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

We don’t know about you, but we’ve been hearing Aries keep whispering “ǹ̷̹̱ō̵͍͈̜̰̐̕ ̷̰̳̙̄͊͋͜ẅ̸̪̲͕̤́̊̽̇i̵͖̲̓̂̆̓t̵̨̻͇͌͋̀n̶͍͖͕̱͋̀͗e̷̹̜̖̙̽ŝ̶͔s̶̯̳͖͎̎̂̾e̶̮͚̝͛̅s̶̛̛̮̊̚” to themselves over and over again for the last couple weeks. It’s pretty creepy, but we also know you’re morbidly curious. Try t̸a̷l̴k̶i̶n̴g̴ to ẗ̷̟̼͕h̷͈̦͒͂̒ͅë̷̬̪́̓m̵̡͔͛̇ a̴̛̞̭̔͌̒ͅb̵͓̅̑̃̃͝ͅo̸̰̱͓̫͇͒̐̕̚ų̸̬̲̩̠͛̄̓t̴̞͇̯̣̤̩̼̾̐̊͝ ḯ̶̛̘͖̳̞͔̦̹̲̖̲̦̪̄̉̋́̕̕͝t̴̢̛͔̯̬̰̿̓͘. What’s the w̷̡̛̛̝̠̮̠̤̮͊̆̾̀̅͛̀͂̐̉́̑́́̌̇̒ö̵̢̥̳̏̾̍̓̀̇̋̒̚r̷̨̛͚̭̮̜̆̀͛͂͊̌̍̄̎̑̉̆͋͋͝s̸̨͕͙͚͓͕̤̩͓̘̭̤̲͌̈̿̓̈́̔̔͗̐̀̀̅̾͛͆̏̉͘̚͘͜͠ͅt̶̖̿̌͛̾̊̅̌́͂̍̔̈̒͑͘̚͘͝͝ that could happen?

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

From the sound of it, November wasn’t a very good month for you. Sorry about that. December will be worse.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Saturn is in retrograde, which means that you’re gonna have a lot more nervous energy this month. Or something. Look, none of us know how this shit works, they just tell us what to say and we say it. Our writers are just getting a paycheck.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Apparently both Taurus and Scorpio have g̴̝̰͈͛ơ̷̫̬̾͝n̵̺̩̭͊̒̀è̴̫͚̘͆̏ ̶̳̻́ḿ̸̧̫̱į̸̹͌̈̌s̶̜͑ŝ̷͕̎͑i̷͍̽̕n̵͕̞͆̒͝g̷͚͙͆͂͂ since talking to Á̷̳͉̇̔r̸̝̦̦̚͝i̸̼͋̍ê̸͖̻͓̾͝s̵̖̻̰̽̓̽. At this point, we’d recommend getting the p̷̦̦̥̐͑̽̚͜ͅo̶̤̣͇͍̘̍ļ̷̬͔͍̎̄͠í̶̺̘͓c̷̩̗̞̥̈́ê̷̥̖̋ involved. There’s just too many confounding ţ̶̛h̶͉͘i̷̒͜n̵͉̿̆͊g̸͖͐̅̅s̵̲̿̓ going ò̴̱̓̾ń̵̖̺͘͘ ̸̨͎̳̈̄r̸͇̠͆̈̍į̴̤̩͐g̷̤̦̺̈́̂h̵̨̼̲͂͠t̸̢̢̎͜͠ now for this to be a coincidence.

PISCES (February 18 – March 20)

Ŗ̵̡̢̡̗̳̭̭̼̪̘̲͖̩̩̠͈̗̦̗̟̼͎̙̼̬̳̰̙̫͖̀̅̈̃͊́̔̒̀̌̽̌̊̾̒̽͐͌͗͋͒͋̎͘̕̕͝͝͠͠͠ͅų̶̨̢̢̛͇̟̮̯̘̯͓̖͍̞͎̝̺̙̪̘̥͚̹̠͊̾̃̆̓̿͌͛͒̌̇̑̄̍͋̉̅̓͂̈́͗̑̇́̀̽̓̓͂̃̓͛̌̀͛̚͘͜͜͜͝͝͝͝n̸̛̳̬͙̯̠̜̋̈́̃́́̈̓́͋͜͝.̵̣̭͆̈́̓́̿̓́́̽̄͊̒̎̆̉̎̂̈̌͐̆͗̾̔̈̆̄̈́̃̀͑̈́̋͆̌̉̃̾̐̄͐̾̕͠