CAMPUS NEWS

The Dark Underworld of Stamp Trading—The Real Reason Behind the Long Post Office Lines

ST. PETER, MN – It’s not an uncommon sight for students traveling through the lower level of the Jackson Campus Center to see outrageously long lines outside the post office. While many on campus assumed that the high volume of students waiting for their turn at the window was due to the increase in popularity of online shopping, a lucky conversation with a loose-lipped Sophomore revealed the real reason behind the pile-ups. “I’m gonna be honest with you, I’m here for the stamps. They just released the ones with the farm animals on them.” 

Another student, who will remain anonymous, revealed a little more about the craze; “I’m not saying the Forever Farm Scene Collection is what’s hot right now, but I’m not not saying that either.” It seems that Gustavus students have organized a cartel-like structure, with rarer stamps being traded out for Gus Bucks, another currency with an equally low value. 

Recently, The Fourth Crown had the opportunity to speak with one of these mob bosses. In a lavishly decorated dorm room lit solely by strip lights and smelling strongly of blue raspberry Juul, Cletus Eleetus (name changed for protection) reclined in his GAC-issued desk chair and laid out his most prized collection—the Forever 2018 Christmas Limited Release stamps. “You see these bad boys? The things I had to do to get these would shock you. Worth it in every way.” said Cletus. 

In response to this growing web of crime, a stamp purchase crackdown was recently implemented. A fully written letter is now required to be shown before the stamps are distributed at the window with talk of cutting down to a single design circulating among Administration. 

However, these counter-efforts may be for nothing as throughout the investigation of this hub of evil lurking just below the caf, one thing became clear: the stamp mafia is determined to spread their influence across the Gustavus campus, one sticky 0.87 by 0.979-inch rectangle at a time. 

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