CAMPUS NEWS

Men’s Hockey Disbands After Upset Loss to Gustavus Club Team

ST. PETER, MN—The Gustavus men’s varsity hockey team announced yesterday that they would officially hang up their skates and forfeit the rest of their games following a tough loss to their own club team on Sunday. The news comes after a rocky season for the varsity team, currently 5-12-2 overall and 0-7-1 in the MIAC. 

The faceoff, originally planned as a friendly scrimmage, quickly took a hostile turn when the club team wrapped up the first period with two unanswered goals. Despite facing a theoretically more skilled opponent, the Gustavus club hockey team capitalized on that momentum and ended the game 5-2. “Honestly, I was shocked,” said club captain Ryan Carlson. “I mean, we know the varsity team is really bad. But I for sure thought we were worse.” Carlson led scoring with three goals and two assists, a career high for the junior forward from Owatonna. “It was an absolute gongshow,” added club sophomore James Cole. “They cut all of us and we f***ing destroyed them.”

The surprising loss has led some to question the validity of the game. “It was so f***ing dumb,” said varsity defenseman Mason Richards. “The refs were clearly biased. It wasn’t fair.” Richards, who spent more than 15 minutes in the penalty box, was ultimately ejected from the rink for punching a club player in the face. “I’ve never seen a game start so friendly and end so violently,” said volunteer referee Simon Underwood. “One of the varsity goalies said that if I let the club team win he would kill my dog.” Underwood’s dog is reportedly doing well.

Varsity players met Monday and made the decision to terminate their season and temporarily break up the team, following extensive mocking by other students. “I just don’t see how we could come back from that f***ing bulls**t game,” said seventh-year forward Josh Norman. “I’m never going to get laid again. Couldn’t even wheel a six at the Flame.” Many of his teammates echoed that sentiment. “I’m gonna go sit in my basement and rip Nattys until I forget this ever happened,” said varsity captain Cory Wilkes.

For Gusties eager to get their hockey fix, the club team has their first playoff game this Friday.

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