ST. PETER, MN – Football can be a bit tricky to talk about, especially if you only pretend to care about it once a year. But whether you’ll be spending Super Bowl Sunday drunk on Natty Lights with your friends, eating excessive amounts of chips and dip with your racist family, or alone with your thoughts in your room like always, it’s important to blend in with your surroundings. We here at The Fourth Crown are here to help you do just that during the big game.
Firstly, you should know who’s playing. Super Bowl LVI will be contested between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Los Angeles Rams. If you’re confused by the Roman numerals, don’t worry- no one else knows what they mean either. The Rams last played in the Super Bowl in 2018, where they lost to Tom Brady and the New England Patriots in one of the most boring football games of all time. We’ll get more into this later, but be sure to comment about this during relatively uninteresting points of the game. Doing this lets everyone else know that you watch football all the time. Players to know on the Rams include veteran quarterback Matthew Stafford (#9), who bears an uncanny resemblance to professional Twitter user Elon Musk, and wide receiver Cooper Kupp (#10), who you’ll be able to recognize because for a split second you’ll wonder how Jake Paul ended up in a Rams uniform.
Meanwhile, the Bengals, who are known colloquially as the “Bungles,” are playing in their first Super Bowl since 1988. In that Super Bowl, they lost to the Joe Montana-led San Francisco 49ers after blowing a 13-6 lead going into the fourth quarter. Don’t bring this up in conversation, though, because it’s going to make you seem suspicious. Players to know on this team include quarterback Joe Burrow (#9), who your uncle trying too hard to seem hip will call “Joe Shiesty” in a move that will only further showcase the downfall of human society, and wide receiver Ja’Marr Chase (#1), who our writers couldn’t find anyone to make a look-alike joke with.
Perhaps more excitingly, at halftime, the performers will be Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Mary J. Blige, and Kendrick Lamar. Yes, you read that correctly, and yes, this is 2022. You haven’t traveled back in time somehow. We don’t know why either. Our only piece of advice here is pretty simple: just remember, even if it’s a song lyric, you still can’t say the n word. It doesn’t matter if there’s not a hard R, you’re still not allowed to say it. “But everyone else is saying it too!” “But I’m 1/16th black!” “But I copped a pass!” It doesn’t matter! We can’t believe we have to say this a third time: DO NOT SAY THE N WORD.
Finally, you’ll need some things to say at certain points in order to convince the people around you that you know what you’re talking about. Here are our recommendations:
- If you see a small yellow object moving away from one of the referees, shout at your TV. That was the referee’s flag, and although that one saw some kind of penalty, the other referees probably didn’t, so shouting at your TV will let them know that there was a penalty.
- If someone shouts something at the TV, reword it slightly and shout it yourself, being sure to gesture towards the TV and shake your head disapprovingly.
- If the team you’re rooting for gets a first down, try clapping your hands or cheering a little. They could probably use your encouragement. Football games are a very stressful environment, and it’s important for the teams to get some positive feedback.
- If you see a replay of anyone catching the ball, say “I’m not sure about that one…” This one works because the NFL’s catching rules are stupid and no one knows what they mean.
- If you’re bored of pretending to care, simply say “Roger Goodell is ruining the league!” Fully grown adult men will start screaming at each other over whether or not that statement is true, and all you have to do is sit back and watch the fireworks.
Hopefully, we’ve prepared you enough for the big game, but remember: if all else fails, just get drunk and have a good time! That way, you won’t remember anything that happened anyways, and even the people who do care about football won’t remember past mid-March. That gives you eleven whole months of freedom from caring about the NFL, and that’s ultimately what Super Bowl Sunday is all about.