ST. PETER, MN – College is a time for romantic experimentation and exploration, with students across campus taking advantage of the accessible community of young single people. However, we can all admit that residential dorms are not the most conducive environment for sensual vibes. Harsh fluorescent lights, tiny twin beds, a literal roommate you have to coordinate with…man, what a boner killer. But worry not, dear readers, for we at the Fourth Crown are bursting with romantic knowledge. Below are 5 tips for cultivating a sexy atmosphere so you and your hookup can forget that you’re 15 feet away from a bathroom shared by 24 teenage boys.

1.) Blind Fold Your Hook-Up Before Entering Your Building

We all are obviously aware of our living situations as students on a college campus, but sometimes the walk TO the dorm room is enough to squelch the embers of passion. Worse yet, you have no idea what your hook-up is thinking about the hallways, the door decs, any of it. We suggest blind-folding your hook-up and leading them by hand to your dorm room. Blind-folds are sexy, right?

2.) Tell your Roommate Their Grandma Died

Asking your roomie to bug off for the night is really awkward, even if you have the best of relationships. Skip that step and plan an elaborate scheme so they think their beloved grannie has kicked the can. *POOF* they’re gone for the weekend. If they don’t love their grandma enough to jet off, consider a family pet or maybe even a parent if it’s necessary. Be warned, this really only works one time, unless you’re willing to cause deep emotional stress for your roommate, so use it WISELY.

3.)Turn off All the Lights except One Single Candle

Everybody knows the overhead light is a mood ruiner when it comes to hookups. You can see wayyy too much of the person you matched with two days ago on Tinder and they can probably see too much of you. Turn em off, make it pitch black except for the light of one maybe vanilla scented candle, but in a distant corner. Now you’re two sexy, mostly featureless, people-shaped lumps.

4.) Two Words: Light Jazz

The sounds of a residence hall are not what we want when trying to set the mood. Toilets flushing, other students chatting in the hall, or, worst of all, ANOTHER PERSON’S HOOK-UP can rip you right out of the throngs of foreplay. Cover all that racket up with a sensual serenade of Jazz, preferably pre-1950s. This might sound old school, but we promise, you’ll look cultured, and like you probably do this kind of thing all the time, even though, let’s be honest, you probably haven’t felt the caress of another person in at least two lunar cycles.

5.) MegaBed

Trying to get down and dirty within the confines of a twin bed is easier said than done. Since your roommate is out of town for the foreseeable future, take advantage to rearrange your room for a MEGABED!!! Double the space, double the debauchery. Not to mention, when the deed is done, if your visitor spends the night, you don’t have to cling to their sweaty body all through the night. 

The Fourth Crown wishes you all a happy boning season and hopes you make the best of these invaluable tips.