Report: 100 Hour Challenge Not Enough to Save Your Liver

ST. PETER, MN – After another year of perpetual intoxication, Gusties celebrated the 100 Hour Challenge last weekend. Each year, Gustavus students pretend they are not alcoholics by pledging to refrain from drinking (or binge-drinking) for 100 hours. Featuring exciting events like a bricklaying contest in Lund, a seminar on coping with existential despair, and 52-card pick-up, this year’s Challenge was a hit among its participants.

But with rates of alcoholism rising across campus, some students and faculty are questioning whether the Challenge is an effective solution to widespread alcohol addiction at Gustavus. Adding to the concern is the release of a new study from a team of biology professors, who have determined that almost all Gusties, including those who take the 100 Hour Challenge, will eventually contract liver cirrhosis due to excessive consumption of alcohol. 

The authors of the study examined over three thousand livers of Gustavus students, past and present, and came to a sobering conclusion. “You’re all doomed,” the study stated. “Never before have we seen such a disgusting array of decaying livers. The 100 Hour Challenge is an exercise in futility.” The study went on to declare that over two-thirds of every graduating class since 2010 had been through rehab at least twice. 

When presented with this information, 100 Hour Challenge participant Bjorn Jurgen Borgeson-Tornhild merely shrugged. 

“I’m just in it for the free t-shirt,” he said, picking at a soiled rag that covered his torso. “This one’s from last year, and it’s getting worn out.” Borgeson-Tornhild explained that he typically wears the shirt five days a week. “It feels a little sacrilegious to wear it on the weekends,” he stated. “I’d feel pretty bad if I spilled vodka on it.” 

Borgeson-Tornhild is not alone. According to reports from this year’s Challenge, almost 93% of students who participated were motivated solely by the complimentary t-shirt. Respondents indicated that the t-shirt brought them “feelings of righteousness, visions of grandeur, and a personal pat on the back from the Archangel Gabriel himself.” Some have even reported that wearing the shirt is an effective hangover cure. 

For next year, the Peer Assistants are reportedly considering adding a 100 Hour Challenge: Green Edition to temporarily reduce the intake of cannabis across campus. According to a representative from the PAs, this event would “basically be a glorified tolerance break.” 

Fourth Crown employees spent the weekend participating in an altered form of the 100 Hour Challenge, in which blood alcohol concentration must remain above the legal limit for at least 100 hours. This year, Fourth Crown staff suffered only one casualty – first-year Bill Plumbottom slipped to his death on the Uhler stairwell after taking the customary ten shots of whiskey. From all of us here at the Crown, we salute Bill for his service!

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS