ST. PETER, MN — Alright. You want us to say it? Need to see our screaming thoughts printed out in a headline? Well here it is, readers. The Fourth Crown collectively has 69,666,420 emails from the college  among all of its writers since the fall semester, with over 99.8% of those emails being deleted without ever being opened. Every time a student goes to check their phone in between classes, they are greeted with 68 new emails from within the last fifty minutes. Not only are these emails sent in staggering quantities, they often have jumpscare-esque headlines that make you freak the fuck out for 0.5 seconds until you read the preview sentence and realize it’s just some guy trying to recruit for his obscure cult ([CENSORED] recruiting for [CENSORED]Life).

The content of these emails range in severity of pointlessness, a prime example being the “MCS Valentine’s Matchup” emails, which truly were the most pointless of all emails within the recent year. When asking for the opinion of senior Heather Shmolten on this issue, they had this sarcastic remark to say:

“Sure MCS, what I really want is to be matched up to a carbon-copy white dude with a mullet for valentines day. Thanks a lot, I totally loved swiping that notification away when I got it.”

The Fourth Crown felt that this issue of excessive emails  would resonate strongly with the student body, so three of our staff set out to commandeer a caf table and host a confessional. Taped along the front of the claimed table was a hastily made poster that read “TELL THE FOURTH CROWN YOUR STANCE ON EMAILS!!!” Once notice had spread about the impromptu booth, a crowd had quickly formed around the staffers, who were desperately trying to maintain a sense of composure over the growing crowd. Eventually, the booth was swarmed by angry students that were screaming with an intense rage over the email debacle. No quotes needed to be taken, the primordial rage of the students spoke volumes enough.

Nothing will be done to resolve this issue. All that is left for the student body to do is to desperately plead to the Gustavus staff for some semblance of reason within their emails, which will fall onto the death ears of the uncaring tormentors that reside on this campus. The only thing to follow is more emails. Never-ending emails for life.