Pres. Bergman Deploys ROTC Students Following Arbor View Independence Vote

ST. PETER, MN —  In a landmark vote held earlier this week, Arbor View CFs have elected to declare independence from Gustavus. In doing so, the two Arbor View buildings have become the first to secede from the rest of the college, passing the legislation with a two-thirds majority

Following the secession, President Bergman announced in an email to the ‘gustavus-l’ alias that she has deployed the college’s ROTC students to surround Arbor View. While the appearance of the poorly armed college sophomores certainly does not bode well for the Arbor View community, it proved a surprise to many, as few students actually read GAC-wide emails. Tensions are high on campus, with President Bergman threatening potential orders to attack should the Arbor View community refuse to rescind the independence vote.

“Yeah… she can’t do that,” said an anonymous ROTC student in a Fourth Crown interview. “The only President I take orders from is Joe Biden. Oh God, I just threw up in my mouth a little when I said that.”

Across campus, the general attitude about this seems to be one of confusion. “I don’t know what the students are so worked up about, to be honest,” said director of Residential Life Anthony Bettendorf. “Whether the ROTC gets to them or the school year ends, they won’t be living there in three months. Besides, I think the ROTC and National Guard should be a bit more focused on Ukraine right now.”

But this attitude is not shared by the Arbor View CFs. Speaking on behalf of the Arbor View community in the wake of the vote, Arbor View CF Erin Bennett told the Fourth Crown that anti-Gustavus sentiment had grown significantly in the apartments due to a recent Res-life decision to only allow people with accommodations to bring one other person with them. “It’s just not fair,” another Arbor View resident told the Fourth Crown. “I don’t care about other people with accommodations wanting apartments. My three sophomore roommates and I are best friends, and Res-life picked us to get an apartment first. They pick at random, right? That’s fair!”

“The bottom line is that those buildings are campus property, and I intend to use everything in my power to keep it that way,” said President Bergman in the email that one of our writers had to dig out of their spam folder. “I don’t even care if I’m not allowed to do this. I’m gonna do it anyway. I’m about to make Putin look like Gandhi.”

The full impact these decisions will have on the wider Gustavus community is still yet to be determined. However, whether a full-scale civil war breaks out or JoNes just has to send a couple angrily-worded emails to the Arbor View email alias, the Gustavus community can remain confident that The Fourth Crown will keep them updated on the brewing conflict.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS