Campus Safety Reports Quirked up White Boy Seen Busting it Down Sexual Style

ST. PETER, MN — Campus tensions are at an all-time high this week as Campus Safety officers have come out with a shocking statement: a quirked up white boy with a little bit of swag was seen busting it down, sexual style, in the Lund parking lot on the eve of February 17th at approximately 21:00 hours. This news comes as a shock to some students and may undermine the work Campus Safety has put in so far this year to avoid public displays of “swag” and “clout.” 

A Campus Safety representative (who has requested to remain nameless as this is still an ongoing investigation) gave The Fourth Crown an exclusive statement. 

“The ‘quirked up’ caucasian male in question has yet to be identified. The campus should remain vigilant and report any busting down-related behavior to a Campus Safety officer immediately in order to avoid future incidents of misconduct.”

President Rebecca Bergman has yet to issue a statement based on the controversial nature of this incident. This event has sparked heated debates between students and faculty alike over whether or not the quirked up white boy in question was, indeed, goated with the sauce or not. The quirked up white boy’s sauce status will be a determining factor in his disciplinary action once he is identified. Swag sympathizers on campus have banded together to request that the quirked up white boy be pardoned for his public displays of swag given the bravery of his actions. 

“It’s really heartbreaking for me to see that this institution is against swaggery and busting it down sexual style,” said Nady Dansbreg, a sophomore GWS major. “When I applied to come here I was assured that this is an inclusive community, but this news makes me question what Gustavus truly stands for.” 

We at the Fourth Crown encourage you all to use this as an opportunity to reflect and decide whether or not you want Gustavus to be a community that allows public displays of swag on campus grounds. Questions of the quirked up white boy’s identity, his punishment, and motives remain unanswered. The most important question of all, however, may never be answered: was he truly goated with the sauce? 

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS