Campus Experiences Unprecedented Levels of Normalcy and Pleasantness as Swim Team Competes in Minneapolis

ST. PETER, MN — As many sports on the hill fast approach the ends of their seasons, MIAC championship tournaments have begun for these winter teams.  Among them are the swim and dive team, two teams that have been competing in Minneapolis over the past weekend. On a completely unrelated note, Gustavus has been experiencing new levels of normalcy and pleasantness over the past week, with many Gusties sharing stories of a “restful and joyous weekend.”

New readings taken by the psychology department detected groundbreaking levels of tranquility and general serenity on campus.  “We’ve never seen anything like it,” reported junior researcher Katie Lebowski, who has been doing extensive research on the obnoxiousness of the swim team for years. “The moment they left everything just seemed to improve on campus.” 

Researchers also found that although they could not explain it, students and faculty alike admitted to feeling much happier and more at ease over the past week.  While many were baffled as to what could have caused the drastically increased levels of general pleasantness, some began to suspect that the absence of the swim team may have had something to do with it.  Interviews with students commenced in order to get to the bottom of this strange phenomenon.  “It’s really weird, but also really nice being on campus right now,” stated first-year, Harry Kissinger.  “You just get so used to seeing them run around campus half-naked or screaming their lungs off in the Caf that you forget what normal life on campus really is.”  

Upon the team’s return to campus, researchers watched helplessly as levels of obnoxiousness and unpleasantness skyrocketed once again.  Seeing the general stress on campus return to high levels, the school decided to institute a weekly “Land Day”, a day where swim and dive students will be dropped off at the nearby Minnesota River.  Deemed a campus-wide mental health initiative, it allows the swim team to keep up their usual behavior in a more controlled setting without subjecting the rest of campus to undue suffering.  A similar plan is reported to be in development for the cross-country team.  More updates to follow.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS