ST. PETER, MN — The many Gustavus students that have purchased tickets for the President’s Ball this weekend may be interested to learn that the night Becky has in store for them won’t be exactly what they expect. “I actually meant to type ‘President’s Balls’ on the posters, ” said distraught under-secretary Belinda Hammenstien, “President Bergman is using the night to show off her big collection of all things bouncy.” This quote appears to confirm the rumors that the fifteen dollar tickets sold were in fact for a guided tour from Gus the Lion through a warehouse where President Bergman’s balls are being stored.
The Fourth Crown managed to gain special early access and Belinda talked us through the collection. Behind bulletproof display cases are red balls, Tye-dye balls, little balls, and balls she bought from a prominent oligarch. The display even features sub-collections of round objects- tumbleweeds and various eyes. The must-see of the night is the ball they drop on New Years that President Bergman has somehow managed to win legal ownership over.
However, President Bergman’s desire to have hundreds of young adults in formal wear filing past her most prized possessions is not where her obsession ends. It is becoming more commonly known that she has plans to fill the swimming pool and create a Gustie ball pit. While this will undoubtedly lead to the transfer of many swimmers, we here at The Fourth Crown fail to see a downside to this plan. The new Lund expansion is also suspected to be an excuse for an increase of various sports balls on campus.
Among the student body, these plans are not without criticism. The Flat-Earth Student Org has recently penned an open letter complaining about a spike in spherical rhetoric. However, President Bergman seems unfazed, declaring in her most recent Monday Moments the new school motto, “Ball is Life,” and discussing in length the importance of a well-rounded liberal arts education.
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