ST. PETER, MN—The Gustavus office of Residential Life announced today that it will be transforming mailboxes on the ground floor of Jackson Campus Center into miniature dorm rooms for first-year students. In an email sent this morning, Res Life staff expressed their enthusiasm about the new project, promising a “vibrant, efficient” housing environment that will “free students from the countless distractions of living in a full-sized room.” 

“Due to the increase in class sizes and the spite in our hearts, first-years will now be crammed into the tiny cubby holes that barely fit the monthly CAB newsletters you never read. That’s right, you heard us – you wanna cry about it, you entitled shits?” The email also stated that students hoping to apply for off-campus housing next semester will be required to navigate a burning cornfield, fistfight a gorilla, and eat a bucket of lutefisk without gagging. Those who perish during these trials will be sentenced to eternal purgatory in Sorenson Hall. 

“Frankly, I’m a little nervous,” said Ellen Nappler, a prospective student who hopes to live in Pittman Hall next year. “If they put me in a mailbox, how am I going to put up these string lights I just bought? And there’s no way I’d be able to find a place for my Harry Styles poster.” Nappler added that she climbed into one of the boxes during a campus tour, and had been appalled at the lack of carpeting. 

Res Life representatives were unavailable for comment, but a new entry on their website describes these accommodations as “the coziest rooms on campus.” And it’s hard to argue this point – at 4x5x12 inches, the new dorms will be the most compact in Gustavus’s history. Additionally, with five hundred mailboxes per wall, the community is sure to be a tight one. 

“I’m just pleased at the convenience,” said Roy Humbert, a CF who hopes to work at Mailbox Hall next year. “The Caf is right upstairs. Plus, as a CF I’ll get a whole mailbox to myself for only $20,000 a semester – what a deal!”

Student opinions about this new housing option may be mixed, but one thing is sure—with less than three square feet of space in each room, the hassle of move-in will be practically nonexistent. Plus, for incoming first-years who still haven’t moved past their Marie Kondo phase, Mailbox Hall is sure to be an exciting experiment in minimalism. And after all, who doesn’t want a chance to get to know their roommate really, really well?