Campus Center Mailboxes to be Converted into First-Year Dorms

ST. PETER, MN—The Gustavus office of Residential Life announced today that it will be transforming mailboxes on the ground floor of Jackson Campus Center into miniature dorm rooms for first-year students. In an email sent this morning, Res Life staff expressed their enthusiasm about the new project, promising a “vibrant, efficient” housing environment that will “free students from the countless distractions of living in a full-sized room.” 

“Due to the increase in class sizes and the spite in our hearts, first-years will now be crammed into the tiny cubby holes that barely fit the monthly CAB newsletters you never read. That’s right, you heard us – you wanna cry about it, you entitled shits?” The email also stated that students hoping to apply for off-campus housing next semester will be required to navigate a burning cornfield, fistfight a gorilla, and eat a bucket of lutefisk without gagging. Those who perish during these trials will be sentenced to eternal purgatory in Sorenson Hall. 

“Frankly, I’m a little nervous,” said Ellen Nappler, a prospective student who hopes to live in Pittman Hall next year. “If they put me in a mailbox, how am I going to put up these string lights I just bought? And there’s no way I’d be able to find a place for my Harry Styles poster.” Nappler added that she climbed into one of the boxes during a campus tour, and had been appalled at the lack of carpeting. 

Res Life representatives were unavailable for comment, but a new entry on their website describes these accommodations as “the coziest rooms on campus.” And it’s hard to argue this point – at 4x5x12 inches, the new dorms will be the most compact in Gustavus’s history. Additionally, with five hundred mailboxes per wall, the community is sure to be a tight one. 

“I’m just pleased at the convenience,” said Roy Humbert, a CF who hopes to work at Mailbox Hall next year. “The Caf is right upstairs. Plus, as a CF I’ll get a whole mailbox to myself for only $20,000 a semester – what a deal!”

Student opinions about this new housing option may be mixed, but one thing is sure—with less than three square feet of space in each room, the hassle of move-in will be practically nonexistent. Plus, for incoming first-years who still haven’t moved past their Marie Kondo phase, Mailbox Hall is sure to be an exciting experiment in minimalism. And after all, who doesn’t want a chance to get to know their roommate really, really well? 

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS