ST. PETER, MN — The Hillstrom Museum has long stood as a quiet, unnoticed aspect of the Gustavus campus. Those who enter will find a quiet student worker, at least one old person, and will experience the Mariko Aoki phenomenon (the Japanese expression for having to suddenly shit when you enter a bookstore; or rather in this case, a museum). However, if a student was lucky enough to be awake and witness the 1:15 A.M. Gustavus-L email this morning, they would have seen the exciting announcement for the museum’s new exhibit simply titled “Exhibitionism.”
“I had to re-read the title of that email five times before I was convinced that I wasn’t hallucinating,” proclaimed senior physics student Kayden Aherna, who was studying when he received the early-morning news. “I’d been staring at my laptop for, uhh, probably 16 hours at that point. I was running on three Monster energy drinks and thought my eyesight was going, but nope, it’s actually Gustavus being on its liberal arts bullshit.”
The exhibit is set to feature live performers who will be partaking in non-touch sexual acts for visitors to observe, surrounded by mirrors and speakers blasting the sounds of fornication. Featured throughout the multi-roomed extravaganza will be varying paintings that promote discourse surrounding the concepts of sex and humanity. Performers will be comprised of student-workers who will be receiving $10 per hour, though the workers are required to attend three Peer Assistants-sponsored seminars on sexual health and consent before being permitted to perform in the exhibit.
“To be honest, I could work in the dining center and make more money in a less demeaning way, but this is honestly better than the caf!” claims junior performer Penelope Vinter, who was the only one willing to be interviewed about the exhibit. “We’re wearing these skin-toned bodysuits and masks that cover our entire face, so at least I don’t have to make eye contact with the other performers. Oh, and my crush is in this, too, so I hope I get the chance to shoot my shot soon!”
The exhibit is free to the public and is patiently waiting in its corner to be noticed, though many are still likely to forget about its existence five minutes after reading the email. The Hillstrom Museum resides on the bottom level of the Campus Center and its many bottoms are awaiting your patronage. More information and therapy resources to follow.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS