CAMPUS NEWS

New Campus Masking Policies Reveal Student Body Far Uglier Than Anyone Could Have Imagined

ST. PETER, MN — Masking policies here on the hill are starting to become less restrictive, and for the first time in almost two years Gusties are able to lose the mask as they walk around campus.  However, as the masks slowly begin to come off, many are coming to the harsh realization that maybe they should’ve stayed on.  Over the past few days, the student body has been revealed to be far uglier than anyone could have ever imagined.  

After the campus made masks optional in all non-classroom indoor locations on campus, the Gustavus community has been dismayed to learn just how unattractive some of their fellow Gusties are.  “I was really happy when I heard about the more laxed mask rules,” said first-year Sylvia Brigham.  “But I never would have thought that I would really just prefer to see some people always in a mask.”  Reports by the science department have found that general attractiveness on campus dropped by over 500% following the policy change last week, with levels continuing to decrease.  Worrying about the general curb appeal of the college for anyone thinking of visiting or attending, the board is currently in the process of considering the reinstatement of masks in an attempt to salvage the beauty of the college.  

In an effort to preserve campus charm, Health Services has created a testing system to determine which Gusties can go maskless and which ones will need to keep it on.  Students who test positive for extreme ugliness will have to return to old masking policies, especially when within six feet of other humans and in groups of more than two others, for the safety of the others in the group.  “I think it’s a little much,” stated junior Brandon Huffington, who recently tested positive.  “I just don’t feel like it’s necessary for Health Services to make me wear two masks and a face shield just because I’m not a looker.” Students falling into the extreme ugliness group are also being requested by professors to keep their camera off during Zoom classes.  More updates to follow.

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