ST. PETER, MN — Preserving the cyber security and privacy of students is at the forefront of Gustavus Adolphus College’s safety measures. The implementation of the DUO Authentication system to add an additional layer of security to the student login experience was met with initial annoyance but eventual acceptance. But, just as we were getting used to clicking into a whole other app to press that little green checkmark every time we log in, GTS relayed DUO’s newest security update. Your arsehole.

About as unique as a fingerprint, the anus will serve as confirmation of a student’s identity in place of a  DUO push or a phone call. All you have to do is snap a quick time-stamped picture of your backdoor when the notification hits your phone and your information is back at your fingertips! Wow! Technology is amazing!!

The increase in security has been met with somewhat mixed reviews from students. “It isn’t great that every time I sign in to my email I have to find the nearest bathroom to get a shot of my butthole” stated junior Elma Karl. Similar feelings of inconvenience were echoed among her peers. “Sometimes if I don’t get the lighting right it doesn’t recognize my hole” shared Erick Mann, a senior accounting major. Mann is referring to the initial scan each student must take of their anus, similar to an apple fingerprint scan. “Getting my phone up between my cheeks was way harder than it should have been,” said Marina Del Bacon, sophomore, “by the time I actually got it close enough, I was so sweaty in my crack, my phone short-circuited and shocked me”. The one positive testimony The Fourth Crown obtained came from a student who wished to remain anonymous. 

“I believe butt’s really don’t get enough love and recognition for their individuality. I mean yeah, it’s a little inconvenient, but I’ve never felt closer to the lowest orifice” Sweet…sort of. 

GTS cannot verify the DUO corporate reasoning for the shift to anal identity confirmation, but they do have other chilling information. “Most companies will data-mine customer information and DUO is no different. Unfortunately, they didn’t draw the line at…bumholes” shared senior GTS coordinator Faze Ferguson “Basically we have an entire database of…anal confirmation photos that DUO uploads to us. We don’t look at them because…well why the hell would we, but unfortunately we have to keep them as a part of our contract with DUO”. This disturbing news has us at the Fourth Crown rattled, but at least our emails are safe.