ST. PETER, MN – The Centers for Disease Control released findings from a groundbreaking new study late Wednesday evening, determining that Patrick’s on Third had been identified as the first-ever Virus Elimination Zone. According to CDC director Rochelle Walensky, it is “literally impossible” to transmit the virus within the walls of Patty’s. “We’ve never seen anything like it before,” Walensky said in a press conference this morning. “A person could walk into the bar actively contagious and there would be zero transmission. In fact, there would be a significant chance that the person would be cured.”
To those familiar with Patrick’s, however, the news is less surprising. “I’ve known that all along,” said junior Nate Olson. “I once drunkenly made out with a stranger on top of the pool table for twenty minutes. It turned out she had Covid, but I never tested positive.” Miranda Taylor, a longtime Patrick’s employee and patron, shared a similar sentiment. “Getting shitfaced and playing Big Buck Hunter for six straight hours isn’t just good for the soul,” Taylor said, “It’s good for the body too.” She said there’s already been an increase in business at Patrick’s since the CDC announcement.
Many Gusties are excited at the prospect of a completely safe night out. “I really care about Covid guidelines, so I only went to Patrick’s two nights a week,” said senior Annie Kennedy. “I always wore a mask, until I had one singular sip of beer. But now I can finally relax and enjoy my senior year!” However, Director of Health Services Heather Dale warns students to remain cautious. “You can still spread other diseases, like the common cold, or chlamydia,” Dale said. “And the second you step outside the door, Covid can get you again.”
The CDC also announced their intentions for further study of St. Peter area bars, in search of a repeat phenomenon. “The Flame seems promising,” said Walensky. “I mean, if the coronavirus can’t be spread between 300 underclassmen crammed into a literal hallway, that would truly be a miracle.”
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