Sustainability Requirement Approved so Long as it Changes “SUS” Abbreviation

ST. PETER, MN — Following yesterday’s faculty meeting, the provost has officially approved a sustainability requirement for all incoming first-year students starting in 2023. The approval comes in the midst of a multi-year campus debate over whether or not environmental sustainability should be a priority of the college, and if there is space in the curriculum for such a requirement.

However, Provost Kelly has mentioned that there is one condition for the requirement’s approval: it must change its abbreviation. In an email to the sustainability interns, Provost Kelly allegedly stated “Look. We all know what’s gonna have to happen. We’re only going through with this as long as students don’t have to see the word ‘sus’ on MyGustavus.”

The Fourth Crown spoke with an anonymous sustainability intern about the very particular condition. “Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with the current abbreviation, but if it gets the rest of the college on board with sustainability, I’m all for changing it,” said the intern, in front of new posters reading “Vote SUS” and “Proud to be SUS!” “In fact, no one even talked to us about this during curriculum committee meetings. Seems to me like there might be a couple impostors among us,” continued the intern before our reporter had to leave the room.

“I don’t get everyone’s problem with being SUS,” said another sustainability intern. “I thought we were a much more progressive campus than average. Ten-ish years ago, you couldn’t be SUS around your friends without getting weird looks in public. I thought we’d moved past those outdated ideas of friendship.” 

In a speech given to the President’s Environmental Sustainability Council, President Bergman showed her support for the requirement. “Our students are proud to be SUS,” she announced to the council, “and that makes me proud to be president. Now we can do our task and use those compost bins!”

All around Gustavus, it looks like the majority of students are happy with the new requirement, pending its abbreviation change. One popular option for the new abbreviation is “VENT,” standing for (V)iable (E)co-friendly (N)vironmental (T)oleration, but an official announcement has yet to be made. 

“At the end of the day, I hope we can all recognize that sustainability is important,” said Provost Kelly, “But if I have to read the funny Among Us word one more fucking time, I’m leaving this college and not looking back.” For once, it seems like the student body and the administration can agree on something. More updates to follow.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS