ST. PETER, MN — Over the past week, the Gustavus Russian club hasn’t done anything notable. The Gustavus language club serves as an extracurricular gathering space for the campus’s Russian speakers and offers numerous “tea” sessions, wherein members meet and discuss certain… things. Those who are not part of the club don’t really know. While the Russian club has not appeared to be acting in any sort of devious manner, the overwhelming quietness and the club’s ability to fade from students’ view makes The Fourth Crown team uneasy.

As everyone is well aware, Russia, under the directive of Vladimir Putin, launched an invasive offensive against Ukraine in late February. While many individuals and organizations around campus have been quick to denounce the expansionist invasion, the Gustavus Russian club has failed to speak out. While they are not really doing anything at all, simply having their tea and whatever Russians eat (Vodka? Nevermind), it is hard to feel anything but uneasy over the organization’s persistent occupancy of St. Peter territory. 

“Just knowing that there’s this group of Russians sitting up on the hill really bugs me out,” said Gerry Costanfeld, a sophomore Swedish major. “I don’t know what they’re up to, I mean I get those emails about tea or whatever, but I just don’t buy that,” continued Costanfeld.

While the widespread announcements of “tea” certainly convince many in the community of the club’s actions, it is always possible that more lurks under the surface. Like a twisted matryoshka doll, the Russian club may have entities hidden from sight, acting in ways we cannot understand.

Could this simple club really be a front? Could the students we know (debatable) and love (more debatable) really act against us in such an underhanded way? Probably not, but those Russians are a wild bag, and their lack of action, typically reflective of their steady intake of potato-based spirits, now may speak volumes of a potential threat to Gustavus and her interests. 

In our investigation, The Fourth Crown obtained a disturbing quote from a Russian club spokesperson. “Whoever tries to impede us, let alone create threats for our club and its people, must know that the Russian response will be immediate and lead you to such consequences you have never seen in history.” Needless to say, The Fourth Crown was very startled by this response.

More updates to follow.