Scientists Finally Able to Cure Cancer Using Mr. Gustavus Money

ST. PETER, MN — Gustavus sorority Theta Xi Gamma’s annual male popularity contest turned fundraiser was the final push needed to discover the cure for cancer, the National Institute of Health reports. Despite decades of research and hundreds of billions of dollars in funding, scientists remained exactly $234 away from finding a lifesaving cure last week. Thanks to the Mr. Gustavus fundraiser, which officially ends tomorrow, that deficit has been eliminated. “We never imagined that screaming at people trying to walk into the Caf for lunch would have such an incredible impact,” said sorority president Cecelia Johnson. “I’d like to see any of the other Gustavus sororities cure cancer.”

Mr. Gustavus candidate Jacob Dean said he’s thrilled with the opportunity to participate in such an impactful event. “I was super excited that I was nominated because some of the Thetas are really hot,” Dean said. “Now I can tell chicks I cured cancer. That’s definitely a panty-dropper.” Senior Sam Rubio, also a nominee for the title, agreed. “I already updated my LinkedIn, my resume, and my Tinder profile.”

The incredible discovery comes as welcome news for Gustavus Greek life, which is often subject to “unfair criticism,” according to Theta member Callie Pearson. “Greek organizations can have a bad reputation on campus. But this shows that begging for money from college students who are already broke really can make a difference in so many people’s lives.” 

The winner of the Mr. Gustavus title will be announced tomorrow evening at 7pm. 

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS