CAMPUS NEWS

New Coke Freestyle Machine Flavor Added: Lean

ST. PETER, MN — With the recent lift to masking requirements for public spaces on campus, there has been a recent health awareness campaign sponsored by the Student Senate. In an effort to keep the student body healthy, the Health Services and Board of Trustees has approved a new, convenient way to ensure the relative health of all Market Place patrons—Cough syrup distributors in the Coke freestyle machines. 

After testing varying soda’s with the medicine, sample groups reported “enjoying the variety of ways they could stay healthy.” The participants of these sample groups were later seen slumped over in varying states of cognitive awareness.

In an email revealing the new feature, Student Senate Co-President Benjamin Shmanke had this to say: “The number of positive cases on campus has gone down astronomically since we first saw the spike following the swim team’s recent Florida trip and we want to make sure they stay that way. Take this as our miracle in disguise to the campus.” 

Since the dispensers have been installed, the number of cases on campus have been reduced to a shocking 2.5. “I’ve honestly felt so much better since the college gave us freely-accessible cough syrup! Whenever I feel gross in the mornings, I can just pour some cough syrup in my cup and take it with breakfast,” says first year Jennifer Forgy, who has apparently been spending much more time in the cafeteria since the new feature was introduced. “My personal favorite way of taking my medicine is with sprite, since the cough syrup makes it purple and purple is my FAVORITE color! My friends and I like to call it our ‘Purple Drank’.”

So far, a few students have gone to the Dean of Students with complaints of “Yo, isn’t this a drug?” However, even with these few lame ass students, a large percentage of the campus still looks forward to being able to maintain their health in new and exciting ways. More updates to follow.

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