ST. PETER, MN — As the first spring breezes blow across campus, Christian Gusties prepare for Easter by observing the season of Lent. For many Christians, Lent is a time of reflection and prayer. For others, it’s a time of giving up chocolate for forty days as penance for a lifetime of misogyny and homophobia. Traditionalists take this time to forge their identities as valiant martyrs of Christendom and no one has mastered this art like the Catholic Gustie.
Catholic Gusties can be spotted wandering around campus with sagging shoulders and melancholy expressions, accompanied by an occasional wail of deep anguish. A member of this species will often barge into the nearest conversation and immediately complain about the sacrifices they have made during Lent. Whether it’s refraining from weekday binges at the Flame or taking one less french fry at lunch, they’ll be sure to wear their suffering as a badge of honor.
But for some Catholic Gusties, the Lenten season of 2022 has brought doubt. As they watch their lax Lutheran friends “forget” to observe the rules of the season, these Catholics have begun to wonder if languishing in self-pity is really the best expression of their faith. In a dramatic break from the Gustavus Catholic Club, several Catholic students struggling with the demands of Lent have recently formed the Gustavus League of Guilty Catholics.
“It’s the gyro line on Fridays for me,” said Bartholomew Hobart IV, a member of the new organization. “I mean, I know we’re not supposed to eat meat on Fridays, but come on! My restraint only goes so far. Catholicism isn’t even worth the weekly sip of wine anymore.”
Other members of the League voiced similar opinions. “I was fine with whipping myself, saying the rosary sixty times a day, and gouging out my eyes for staring at Instagram models,” said Gabriel Gorp XXIII, “but when people tune me out for complaining about that stuff? Count me out.”
But Raphael Benedict LXXVII, President of the Gustavus Catholic Club, seemed unconcerned by this trend. When asked what his message was for those who are questioning their faith, he merely clutched the crucifix on his desk and said, “let’s focus on the real issue here: abortion.”
When pressed about his attitude toward the breakaway organization, Benedict muttered a quick Hail Mary and sighed. “Let me tell you something: before Lent, I got a chocolate-chip muffin and a tall macchiato from the STEAMery every day. Guess how many times I’ve done that since Lent started? Only six times. No, seven times. Or maybe eight? Okay, only eight times. That’s almost less than half the days so far. In any case, it’s the internal despair that really counts.”
Whether or not the schism among Gustavus Catholics will lead to a new Reformation remains to be seen, but one thing is certain – you won’t stop hearing about the hardships of being a Catholic during Lent. However, non-Catholic students can take comfort in the fact that the gyro line might just be a few feet shorter on Fridays.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS