MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Following Gustavus Student Senate’s announcement of new sanctions against Russia, the Kremlin has announced that they will begin entirely withdrawing from Ukraine as well as Crimea. As part of the agreement to not impose the sanctions, Russia will officially unrecognize Donetsk and Luhansk as independent states.
The order to withdraw comes after a tense phone call between the President of Russia, Vladimir Putin, and the two Student Senate Co-Presidents, whose names no one on campus can remember. According to whichever one of the Co-Presidents we interviewed, “we told him it was simple: either you immediately withdraw all troops from Ukraine, Crimea, Donetsk, and Luhansk, or we will have to begin restricting exports of Russian goods to Gustavus Adolphus College.” Experts predict the sanctions would have hit Russia harder than most of the ones imposed by the United States and European Union in previous weeks, as Gustavus remains the top export destination of many key Russian goods, including the many Dostoyevsky books read by doomer philosophy majors and half-empty bottles of Smirnoff mixed with Sprite that business majors drink on the weekdays.
“We cannot afford this,” said a clearly disgruntled Vladimir Putin announcing the news to the Russian people in Red Square this morning. “I was proud to stand up to NATO expansionism by the United States and members of the E.U., but the Student Senate of a small-town college in Minnesota has threatened us with economic sanctions of the highest degree. We cannot handle this. We must begin withdrawing troops from Ukraine to avoid a total economic collapse.” Following the announcement, the Russian president allegedly said “сука блять” before retiring to the Grand Kremlin Palace.
When reached for a comment by the Fourth Crown, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy stated that he was “surprised” that Gustavus Student Senate even had the ability to sanction Russia in the first place. “It’s not an independent country, right? It’s just a college’s student government. How can they sanction Russia when they can’t even decide the theme for formal dances?”
Unfortunately, that question has to remain unanswered. The Fourth Crown asked Zelenskyy’s question to the Finance Director and Controller of Student Senate, who both in unison replied “We have our ways…” before disappearing into the darkness. For now, though, one thing is certain: there will be peace in Eastern Europe. At least until Russia decides to invade Finland and Belarus.
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