ST. PETER, MN — With the announcement of the Gustavus administration lifting the mask mandate, it goes without saying that tensions across campus have been heightened. “What we didn’t want to see is any sort of bullying for students’ choices, so when any group approaches us for help, we support them,” said the head of the newly created club Students for Fashion Unity, Holden Heldham. Heldham went on to describe the results of the first meeting. To the surprise of the club, it wasn’t students still wearing masks that were feeling shamed and isolated, but students who regularly wear a certain brand of foam clogs. According to Heldham, the group is now providing assistance to the Croc-wearing victims such as Jibbitz reduction therapy, coupons to Foot Locker, and empowering sufferers to leave the swim team.

The Fourth Crown talked to Scandinavian Studies Major Ellie Lergman-McAndrews, who was happy to find that Gustavus was supporting her in her decision to wear the plastic hooves. “You know, I’m the type to keep my adventure straps on. I’m a ride or die Croc-Rocker,” she said. “But my fellow students started laughing at me when they heard the squeaking of my Foppatofflors, that’s Crocs in Swedish, when I was still at least 50 yards away from them!” Based on Lergman-McAndrew’s testimony, it appears this situation has been growing more and more serious, which is mainly why the SFU club is still going strong. “Who knows who else might need our help and support?” says Heldham. “Next, jorts wearers might be shamed. Even the hundreds of Gustie men who wear their Carhartt beanies so precariously balanced on the very tops of their heads are afraid. If they were targeted, think about how that could affect the campus dynamic!”

While the Gustavus administration started the club to help students who still want to mask, clearly it has adapted to meet the needs of the student population. More guidelines are still being announced by leadership, but for now the Fourth Crown will leave you with this advice, “Wear Docs not Crocs”.