CAMPUS NEWS

Student Body’s Renewed Mental Stability Shattered by First “Monday Moments” Email

ST. PETER, MN — After the mental and physical anguish that was midterms, students of Gustavus Adolphus College were able to find an albeit brief paradise within spring break, free from the pressures and stresses of campus life. Following their week-long period of recuperation and relaxation, however, the student body’s newfound fragile mental stability was left shattered with the campus-wide reception of President Bergman’s first Monday Moments email.

At precisely 10:48 AM, students around campus felt the ding and buzz of a new notification. After hurriedly pulling out their phones, anxious to check if their latest booty call had finally texted them back, students’ hearts sanks as they read those five simple words.

“Monday Moments with President Bergman.”

A wave of sorrow could be felt around campus; shrieks and wails emanating from the mouths of students grief stricken over the loss of their newfound wellbeing. The harsh reality is that for the next eight weeks, students can look forward to nothing but hangovers and Rebecca Bergman on Monday mornings. The sense of peace that many experienced over spring break is not meant to last, and, according to The Fourth Crown, many students have succumbed to a dark depression.

“I was riding so high, man. I didn’t have my 8 AM today and even got in one more wake and bake. It was all perfect till I got that fucking email. Just totally ruined my high,” said junior Bill Nelson. “That email made me realize that I’m just back in this hell,” continued Nelson.

While it’s certainly clear that we among the student body will not be seeing the refreshing light of freedom for some time, at least we can look back upon our breaks with rose-colored glasses. We here at The Fourth Crown recommend students to block Becky’s email and try to live their life day by day without the ever-present reminders of the new work week. More updates to follow.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS