ST. PETER, MN – If there is one student organization on campus that doesn’t get enough credit, it’s certainly the Gustavian Weekly. With an enriched perspective and narrative, the Weekly has failed to receive proper awe and worship for the articles they publish each week.

Alright, has everyone stopped reading? Did the common reader of the Fourth Crown not read past the preview paragraph? That is alright, for this message is not for them.

No, no.

Rather, this article is for those who work within the dastardly depths of the Uhler basement. Those enemies and suppressors of the truth that The Fourth Crown seeks to spread among the masses—The Motherfucking Weekly.

The truth and horrifying nature of The Weekly must be brought to light, for far too many writers have perished within their clutches. Unable to leave the minimum-wage work study, many writers have been drained of their creativity and individuality within the restrictive writing guidelines set by The Weekly. Along with being unable to say the word “Fuck” in articles, writers must also extensively write about shallow stories and happenings within the community.

In a survey sent out by The Fourth Crown, readers were asked to share their opinions about their college newspaper. Of the 14 people who filled out the form, 76% of respondents admitted to never having picked up a newspaper of any press. The other 24% of respondents submitted the exact same response, Quote: “Fuck them Bitches,” over and over until the character limit was reached.

Clearly, this rivalry between The Fourth Crown and The Weekly will only result in a barehanded fist fight behind the campus center near the kitchen dumpsters. Should the nefarious leaders of The Weekly ever scurry out of their damp and dank cave, they will be met by the holy fist of Gustavus Adolphus himself. We hereby challenge The Weekly’s shit-bag writing team to come at us guns blazing.

COME AT US, BRO.