ST. PETER, MN — As finals creep ever closer, many students have begun to feel that sharp pang of panic associated with opening the grading portion of MyGustavus. However, it may be small comfort for those who find their grades less than satisfactory to know that there is a foolproof way to instantly raise your GPA. Yes, that’s right: Since 1992, students have been exploiting Dr. Chapman’s technique expressed in his book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Simply take the word “mate” and replace it with a platonic academic figure, like that stubborn Religion professor, and you have a recipe for success. Let’s take a look.

1. Quality Time

To make a great impression on your professor, spend some quality time together. We recommend signing up for all of their office hours on the first day of the semester. You can use this time to talk about mutual interests and hobbies, such as whaling. We’ve heard that Communications professors especially love to discuss hunting the blubbery beasts of the deep. 

2. Words of Affirmation

To effectively use this technique, it’s best to prepare yourself for a lot of hand-raising. Use all of class discussion time to tell the professor how much they have impacted your life with their riveting lectures on the Tonic Labyrinthine Reflex.   

3. Gift-Giving

What is not often spoken about but is widely known is that Professors share a lot in common with domesticated felines. They act snobby and aloof, sleep 18 hours a day, and will deeply appreciate a dead mouse deposited lovingly at their feet. They will hungrily gobble it up and next thing you know your grade will be sitting at a healthy 90 percent. 

4. Acts of Service

This love language can be displayed in many different ways. Offer to grade their papers and tests, print out answer keys, or create lesson plans. Professors are busy people after all, and they could use all the help they can get.

5. Touch

We do not recommend using this love language for anyone. Ever. 

With all of these tips in mind, you are now prepared to show your commitment to the thrilling epic that is higher education. We wish you the best of luck and grades to put you on the Dean’s list, or, preferably, make the 60k seem worth it.