CAMPUS NEWS

Gustavus Forms Reconciliation Circle in Response to Rumors of War in Ukraine

ST. PETER, MN — This past Sunday, the Gustavus Office of Marketing and Communication announced the formation of a new President’s Reconciliation Circle in response to rumors of war in Ukraine. The Office reported in their press release that they plan to fly in numerous Ukrainian and Eastern European dignitaries to sit on the council, citing a desire to “provide meaningful commentary on the possibility of war.” The news comes as a shock to many, as the violent military incursion into Ukraine has been popculturaized to hell backward and forwards three times over for the past two months.

Unfortunately for the Office of Marketing and Communication, many students are not surprised by the apparent lack of relevancy. The Fourth Crown’s field reporter took to the Caf this past Monday, hoping to hear word from the student body concerning the President’s next new showboat.

“I mean, rumors? C’mon Becky, at least try to acknowledge the present. I feel like she just exists in a backwater Facebook feed that accidentally got set to 3-months in the past,” said Jane Houston, a sophomore poly-sci major.

In the release announcing the circle’s formation, the Office also announced that they will be personally sponsoring a commission to explore the validity of the accusations of war in Ukraine. Reportedly, the College will be recruiting its ROTC students for the commission, hoping to provide a “life-changing experience” for the child soldiers. How these backpack-lugging freedom fighters will assist, no one’s to know. However, we can be certain that they’ll share how nobody would ever be able to get it.

“Personally I’m just happy to have the college’s attention diverted for a bit,” said senior Slate Belton, “this Caf scam I got going is just toeing the line of a felony, so I’m really hoping they stay focused on acting like they know what’s up.”

All in all, students should feel comfortable knowing that their tuition goes towards the salaries of those brave individuals willing to fight the good fight, and let everyone know when they’ve finally started. While we here at The Fourth Crown certainly appreciate some quality reporting, let’s try and keep it within the present, alright? More updates to follow.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS