ST. PETER — The Gustavus Office of Residential Life shared Thursday that six conjugal visit trailers will be added to campus this summer. The trailers, which will be located outside select residence halls on campus, are part of a concerted effort to address the sharp increase in reported roommate conflicts. Alice Richardson, a Collegiate Fellow in Norelius, said she’s been shocked by the number of disagreements among residents. “I would say the number one conflicts I’ve seen this year are about who can use the room to hook up,” Richardson said. “You walk through Norelius on a Saturday night and half the building has been sexiled to a couch in their section.” The senior CF hopes that the trailers, which will be ready for use this fall, will provide students with more places to bone without disturbing their roommates. 

The trailers are open to all students, in groups of up to ten individuals. According to Residential Life staff, each trailer will be furnished with a lofted twin bed, a rocking chair, and a half-broken futon. “Students need to feel at home in these trailers,” shared Director of Residential Life Belinda Dangers. “We really don’t want to lose the charming ambiance of a first-year dorm room, and there’s an exciting element of danger when you’re having sex five inches from the ceiling.” Dangers added that they’ll introduce the trailers on a “first-cum, first-serve” basis, but may transition to a reservation system if they prove popular. First-year David Campbell is excited regardless. “I really only need like six minutes, tops,” he said. “Maybe ten if it’s a good day.” 

Some community members, however, have raised concerns that the trailers may promote promiscuity and unsafe sex among Gustavus students. “Premarital sex is a sin,” said junior Chloe Combs. “I can’t believe Gustavus is going to start allowing it,” Combs said before continuing that if Residential Life went forward with the project, she would “transfer to Bethel.” Peer Assistant Connor Jenkins is worried for a different reason. “It honestly sounds kind of disgusting,” Jenkins mused. “I hope they provide some Clorox wipes or something. And they definitely need to have condoms.” 

While many of Res Life’s policies have left students angry and bitter, hopefully, the new trailers will leave them satisfied. We here at The Fourth Crown anxiously await the arrival of the “who’s tryna link at the trailers?” Yik Yaks that will surely arrive this fall. More updates to follow.