ST. PETER, MN — Three of the campus’s four fraternities have announced today that they will merge with each other to form one single fraternity that members are now calling the “Super Frat.” Epsilon Sigma Kappa, or EΣK. According to the College’s Greek advisor, Andrea Junso, the fact that their new letters resemble the panicked expression “EEK” is merely a coincidence.

The move comes after several years of low membership amongst the fraternities– well, except the Reds, but they don’t count. In fact, when asked about the reasons behind the merger, Kappa President Jay Kennedy said, “It’s literally all about membership. We all just kinda said, hey, recruiting is hard. Instead of, I don’t know, actually trying to have a presence on campus and change our reputation from nonexistent to “heard of,” let’s merge our three frats together.”

The move apparently came as a shock to SAE President Pace Tortini, who upon finding out about the news, said “What the fuck? Why would we do that? Can we even do that?” When asked how he didn’t know his chapter was merging with two others, he just said he was “high as hell” when he agreed to the merger and asked our reporter if they could leave the room because he had a water-filled tube that really needed his attention.

In a remarkable turn of events, it was actually the Eppies who had the most professional response to the news. “It’s no secret that Greek life on campus has seen a downturn in numbers recently,” said Eppie President Dylan Anderson at a press conference in Alumni Hall. “This move will let us get those numbers back up to where they should be, and once things start picking up again, we will consider separating back into our chapters as they exist now.” He continued to take and answer questions from reporters for ten minutes before realizing he was the only one in the room.