ST. PETER, MN — With Gusties excitedly preparing to spend their single day of Easter Break getting blackout drunk, the Caf’s efforts to stoke the holiday spirit have not gone unnoticed. From strings of paper eggs and festive lights to life-size cardboard cutouts of a nude man wearing only bunny ears, the Caf’s decorations have sparked overwhelming waves of Easter enthusiasm. But some students and faculty have begun to wonder: Who’s paying for all this extravagance?
For answers, the Fourth Crown interviewed Doris Bogwatter, Director of Dining Service Celebrations. “It’s pretty simple,” Boggwatter stated, “Approximately half of each student’s tuition statement is funneled directly to the Caf’s holiday decor fund. We feel that the most effective way to combat rampant levels of depression and hopelessness among Gusties is by slapping a few leprechauns or bunnies around the most disappointing room on campus.”
When asked about the breakdown of the Caf’s holiday fund, Boggwatter frowned and began to sweat profusely. “It’s a very complex, multi-tiered system,” Boggwatter said, pulling a stack of charts from her desk. “You see, the money that comes out of your tuition, uh, goes to several separate sources that, um… are used for various purposes, such as maintenance of holiday stickers and string light acquisitions. And that’s all that money is used for, I promise.”
“Now, some people have criticized us for losing track of where the money goes,” Boggwatter continued. “But in a massive operation like this, there’s bound to be some clerical errors that could account for, say, $7.9 million in misplaced funds, right? Right??!!”
For further inquiries about the Caf’s Easter celebrations, the Fourth Crown consulted Dan “the Butcher” Frimpus, part-time Easter Bunny and a former convict. Since his release from prison in 2015, Frimpus has participated in the Caf’s Easter traditions by donning a bunny costume and parading around the dining hall. He is known to tackle those students he deems “bad children” and force hardboiled eggs down their throats, while those who gain his favor are gifted mysterious brown lumps that Frimpus insists are “chocolate treats.”
“I wanted to be a Santa Claus,” Frimpus said, “but if I show my face in public it’s back to jail for me. But with this bunny head? No one knows who I am!” For this year’s festivities, Dan plans to perform a three-hour-long erotic dance in front of the salad bar in full Easter Bunny garb.
While the Easter season might be a mere temporary reprieve from the downward spiral of the spring semester, Gusties can take comfort that their money is being well-spent on the Caf’s holiday spirit initiative. And to those who might wonder if it’s worth the price, take some advice from the Gustavus Office of Curiosity Corrections: don’t worry about it.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS