Jesus Has Risen — Says, “Pay Your Taxes”

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – A miracle happened this last Sunday. Shocking people who thought that they wouldn’t witness this in their lifetime, the son of God has thrown a surprise resurrection. In a move that stuns non-believers of all generations, Jesus Christ the Superstar has decided to grace the Earth with his holy presence in a lowkey, sort of nonchalant way.

The newly risen son of God was first spotted in Salt Lake City, Utah, this Easter Sunday.  Upon being asked if he was Jesus outside The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the messiah reportedly said “Uh, אני לא מדבר ספרדית.” After evading rigorous mormon paparazzi and catching an uber to the local Dick n’ Dixies, Jesus was able to find an accepting crowd that he was able to speak his mind with. 

“He was really sweet, actually, which was surprising even though that’s what you should expect from the everloving son of God,” states one patron of Dick n’ Dixies who has requested to maintain their anonymity. “Apparently J actually came back on Saturday, but he got so fucked up on wine because all the water he tried to drink kept turning into wine. So he’s sloshed, but lo and behold, he rises on Sunday like a fuckin’ champ, rockin’ his hangover like the Christ he is.” 

This patron’s story, however, takes a sharp turn. “Then he had to open his fucking mouth about tax day. He starts asking everybody if they filed their taxes already, which was the last thing I expected him to preach to me about.” Apparently, Jesus’s impromptu reception party turned sour when the Lord’s child started flexing his financial competency despite having no relative understanding of the current American economy. According to the savior, he’s just looking out for his friends.

“A lot more people go to hell for tax evasion than you think,” states the prince of peace over a Zoom call with Fourth Crown reporters earlier this morning, “People down here just have the wrong idea about things nowadays. I don’t care that you’re a sodomite, but you’ve gotta pay people their dues. It’s the same as if you didn’t put a fiver in the communion dish when it got passed around. I’m just trying to look out for my pals!” This shockingly cold take from the near-Bitcoin enthusiast should be taken with a grain of salt, considering the fact that he did not understand what the middle class was.

Jesus will be going on a continental tour of exclusively the United States, causing great elation for the Mormons who initially spotted the celebrity religious figure. Before signing off on the interview, Jesus had one final promo to give from his converted school bus illegally parked in front of a local synagogue: “There’s still time to believe in me if you wanna make it past the pearly gates! You can’t say you didn’t know I existed, now! And hey, if you come get an autograph from my tour and show it to my man Saint Peter, you can get priority access to housing, which apparently is what a lot of Gusties are praying to my Dad about.” A thank you to Jesus H. Christ for his generous words of wisdom to the Fourth Crown, who pray that this means our writing has got an in. More to follow.