CAMPUS NEWS

Large Rat Released as New Campus Cat – Nebo!

ST. PETER, MN — Students returning from the long weekend this past Monday were shocked and elated to encounter Nemo’s long-awaited replacement roaming the campus grounds. The new furry friend, coined “Nebo” by campus trendsetters, has already stolen the hearts of students everywhere, with his cute whiskers and leathery tail. According to an email from Andrea Junso, director of Campus Activities, we have CAB to thank for Nebo.

“I think it goes without saying that there’s been a small animal-shaped hole in all our hearts ever since we lost Nemo to whatever the hell happened to her. With that in mind, we here at CAB are excited to announce that a new campus mammal will soon grace our grounds,” wrote Junso.

The reaction to this email was understandably mixed, with many students rejoicing at the addition of their very own public ESA. Others remained unconvinced of Nebo’s potential identity, as the exclusion of “cat” from Junso’s email sparked suspicion in the already on-edge student body. A subsequent email from Junso announced Nebo’s arrival; at 2:34 pm on Sunday afternoon, members of CAB were seen opening a small carrier behind the campus center. Our dashing lad, Nebo, soon scuttled out and into the dumpsters, eager to get his fill after the drive from NYC. 

Now three days into his residency on the hill, Nebo has already become entrenched in campus culture. A new instagram page with the handle @NeboSightings has been formed, along with a twitter page dedicated to posting pictures of Nebo’s tail any chance they get. The rapid acceptance and deification of Nebo comes as no surprise, as Gusties without direction and motivation are quick to jump upon anything that lets them tell everyone what they’re up to.

“I was just about at my breaking point,” said Trucker Ballin in a recent Fourth Crown interview. “Registration, housing, and finals coming up all just kept weighing me down, but once I saw that cutie Nebo and his adorable, pointed face- well, it all just seemed to vanish,” continued Ballin.

While some people that nobody likes have raised concerns about the cleanliness of Nebo, we here at The Fourth Crown know that there’ll never be a dirty rat dirtier than the swim team, and we let them eat with us! More updates to follow.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS