ST. PETER, MN — In the early morning hours of Thursday, April 21st, residents of Swest and Prairie View looked on in abject terror as both the Schaefer Fine Arts Center and beloved Jussi Björling Recital Hall were demolished by a crew of bulldozers, dump trucks, excavators, and other construction vehicles. According to President Bergman, the scraps leftover from the music building will be used to help build the new Lund renovation.

“It’s a cost-cutting mechanism,” said President Bergman. “I’d been trying to balance the budget ever since I took over, but then one day, I just kinda realized, ‘Hey, what if I took a wrecking ball to the music building? Then I wouldn’t have to buy as much stuff for Lund. Plus, I don’t really think anyone would care,’” said Bergman in a private conversation with one of our writers pretending to be the CFO.

“What the fuck?” said Dr. Ruth Lin, conductor of the Gustavus Symphony Orchestra, upon hearing the news. “No, seriously, what the actual fuck? What… what the fuck?” Dr. Brandon Dean, director of the Gustavus Choir, concurred, merely throwing up his hands in place of words he couldn’t seem to find. When a couple students in front of him began to sing, he simply said, “Oh, fuck off,” before retreating back to his car.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again,” said Abby Holland, a senior music major. “I slept in a practice room overnight, since… well, since I need to finish my composition piece, and I fell asleep on a piano, and I woke up this morning to a wrecking ball nearly knocking a wall on top of me… oh my God, I need to go finish my piece,” Holland said before limping away.

Although Holland made it out of the building alive, emergency medical services were sent to the demolition site upon a construction worker finding what he believed to be the partial remains of a student in the remains of the office of voice coach Anna DeGraff. DeGraff and others were allegedly called to the scene this afternoon, where DeGraff confirmed that the “remains” were, in fact, a model of the human respiratory system. “See?! Here’s the trachea, it connects the larynx to the bronchi,” said a clearly exasperated DeGraff before a St. Peter firefighter threw the model back into the rubble and whispered “Whatever.”

How exactly this will help the Lund renovation is yet to be determined. Updates will follow.