ST. PETER, MN — As registration season descended upon Gustavus this week, anxiety levels ran high. Following the debacle of room selection, in which at least four hundred students were assigned to live in the Sohre bathrooms, some Gusties were optimistic that class registration would be easier. Many students, however, were dismayed to find that their registration was blocked by a strange pop-up that asked them to answer a series of riddles, which included such confusing questions as “What fits in an old sock but can’t be contained by all of Coed?” and “I’m stinkier than the weight room in Lund, but people love to sniff me. What am I?” 

In the aftermath of the week, only one student was able to register for any classes. Dudley Dinkiss, a super-super-super senior, submitted a special petition that allowed him to register in advance for an Intro Psychology course. However, all the other classes Dinkiss had planned mysteriously disappeared from his schedule moments before his registration time. 

“I tried to get my classes back,” Dinkiss said, “but I was greeted by an error screen that wanted to know what has four legs, three wheels, and two wings. It took me a while to realize that the answer was a dog on a tricycle with a dead chicken in its mouth, but by then my registration slot was over.”

Some students suspected that the Peer Assistants, notorious for their bathroom riddle propaganda, might be behind the pop-ups. However, a quick investigation revealed that the PAs had already spent all their available effort coming up with their monthly brain teaser for “Once Upon a Potty.” 

Other fingers pointed toward the Registrar’s Office, but a campus-wide email from the Registrar abdicated all responsibility and stated that students “need to stop complaining and realize that college isn’t just about taking classes. Unless you want to graduate, of course, in which case we can’t help you anyway.”

With a lack of firm answers, Gusties were left to wonder: were the riddles a bug or a feature? The Fourth Crown decided to investigate. Although no MyGustavus representatives were available for comment, a chatbot known as Beckys_bagels-1978 responded to a request for help. 

“How tall are you?” said the bot when asked about the riddles. “I love cheesecake and daffodils!” After further inquiry, the bot’s only response was, “I’m sorry, I’m not sure what you mean by that. But I can help you purchase a lifelong subscription to Dad’s Digest: A Monthly Compendium of the Best Shirtless Men Over 50!” 

While it remains unclear who is behind the riddles, one thing is certain: you won’t be taking the classes you need next semester. In fact, Gustavus admin has reportedly begun to consider canceling all classes indefinitely, in favor of a non-academic campus experience that would still include tuition fees. Either way, it can only be hoped that MyGustavus will be banished like WebAdvisor, so that an even more convoluted system can take its place.