CAMPUS NEWS

Caf to Exclusively Sell Meat Products In Response to Supply Chain Error

ST. PETER, MN — In response to an error in cafeteria supply chain communication, it has recently been announced that the cafeteria will be selling only meat and meat by-products, effective immediately. As a campus that prides itself on its quality Dining Service, this error came as a grave shock to many. 

“At Gustavus, we equip our students with the ability to be flexible in a wide range of  situations,” remarked Dining Service Executive Charlie Flank. “We are excited to see the creativity our team cultivates in exploring meat based alternatives to classic meals.” Our exclusive interview was unfortunately cut short due to a student employee emergency training on beheading, skinning, fileting, and preparing live animals for human consumption. 

To assist in this community culinary transition, a marketing committee has been assembled to change the names of the infamous cafeteria stations. Nothing has yet been confirmed, but an insider report claims that “Vari Veggie” will be replaced by “Vari Venison”, as well as “Hello Hock” to replace “Hello Wok.” 

The campus Vegetarian Student Union has expressed concern about this abrupt change, but have been assured by administrative staff that, with the purchase of a 50 cent to-go-box, they will be allowed to forage in the composter from 12-3pm daily until the issue is resolved. 

The campus remains hopeful about the change and is anxious to try the new blood-sausage ice cream. When asked for a comment, football player Bradley Parker said his life will be otherwise unaffected by the change. More to follow, including meat sweats.

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