ST. PETER, MN — How many people lately have woken up to a brutal geopolitical conflict pushed to their newsfeed? What a buzzkill, am I right? While many of us might want to bury our heads in the sand and ignore these world-shaking conflicts, those with nothing else to talk about inevitably bring them to the forefront of our minds. Have no fear, entitled Gusties, for us here at The Fourth Crown have a couple of tips to help you through this month’s new geopolitical conflict.
- Get Really High
Has getting super high ever not solved something? While it might not be the most professional solution, it’s definitely an effective one. Slip into a state of oblivion and ignorant bliss and munch away whatever plagues you. If one chooses this route; be careful not to check your phone! You wouldn’t want a chance news clipping to ruin that high, now would you?
- Tell All Your Friends About It
Keeping it all inside has never helped anyone. It can make you die early. Instead of letting it fester within your mind, get a hit of that sweet, sweet dopamine by lecturing your friends about something you barely know. We know you sick fucks like that.
- Get Really, Really High
This point cannot be stressed enough. Let your addiction take hold; we know y’all are already smoking up at every inconvenience, so just keep it rolling and take that tab instead! Trip hard and go take a stroll through the Arb. Ignore all that violence and go stare at tree bark for a couple of hours.
- Turn Off Your Phone
Is there ever a better solution to something than ignoring it? If we can’t see it then it doesn’t exist, right? Just silence that ringer and toss it away. We must stress; however, that this is not an effective solution if you just swap from one device to another.
- Give Up
Do what we all know is inevitable. Just give up. No singular action will ever stop the incalculable greed and brutality of the world’s elite, and their cruel and sinister deeds will forever haunt us in our post-industrialization society. There is almost nothing that you can really do. Sure, donating to that GoFundMe might put you to sleep at night, but it won’t change the minds of those behind the violence. Instead, we recommend that you simply give up.
The Fourth Crown wishes you good luck in the years to come. Go nuts.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS