CAMPUS NEWS

CAB Running Out of Ideas for Luxury Items to Give Students

ST. PETER, MN — One thing Gusties can all agree on is that the Campus Activities Board is an organization known for its generosity to the students. “I really like the event CAB hosted last week,” said excited first-year Abel Hillson when interviewed about a CAB event called “Walk by and Win!”. In this game, students who happened to pass the CAB table in the lower level of the campus center were pelted with expensive tech by enthusiastic Cabbies. “I was able to win my fifth pair of AirPods! Thanks CAB! My young brain feels so stimulated, entertained, and connected to the campus,” said Abel as he struggled to carry his newly-acquired stack of Ipads back to Co-Ed. 

Reportedly, however, there are growing concerns among the inner circle of CAB that not even Apple products will lure the students out of their dingy dorms to participate in their activities. It is mostly first-years who still retain excitement about the prizes, whereas there are rumors of jaded sophomores using their piles of JBL speakers as door blocks in Plex.

“Look,” sighed an unnamed Cabbie when approached about the declining participation, “there comes a point where you’re reduced to just holding out cash and begging for students to play Plinko.” At a panicked meeting this week, CAB reportedly began formulating a plan to request an increase in their current 10 million dollar budget. “We’re planning big things: Cartier Freeze-Tag, Bentley Bingo, and a Gucci Giveaway-,” claimed the Cabbie after the meeting, “- and after an interest survey we now know that the opportunity to win a custom Rolls-Royce would entice at least 4 to 5 students to participate in a Tic-Tac-Toe tournament. ” At the end of the interview, the Cabbie unsuccessfully attempted to bribe the Fourth Crown off the story by slipping them Hydro flasks stuffed with twenties.

If worse comes to worst, Amazon gift cards will always be a good fall-back for CAB prizes. That way at least Gusties know that their money is supporting a sustainable and ethical company.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS