CAMPUS NEWS

New FIT Credit Announced: Gyrating and Beyond

ST. PETER, MN — Amid heavy complaints regarding the lack of course options that fill the FIT general education requirement, the HES Department, in collaboration with the Provosts Office and Registrar, has unveiled a new fitness class that should satisfy even whiniest of anti-FIT-requirement students: Gyrating and Beyond.

If you’re sick of running, walking, jumping, or swimming, you now have the lucky opportunity to swing those hips around till the cows come home. Not to mention, you’ll be in the company of both your peers AND the 55-year-old male instructor hired specifically for this course, Melvin Boyle. Just like a wild Saturday night at Patrick’s! “If there’s one thing I can do, it’s gyrate. I move and groove like noooo other” stated Melvin “I’m real excited to be around young people and show them the power of the hips!” Students are expected to learn mobility, flexibility, and the sensual power of their bodies. According to the HES Department, Gyrating and Beyond is NOT a dance course, because “the course forces students to think about and engage their core the entirety of a class period and maybe sometimes run a little, making it far more aerobically challenging than a dance course”. The Theater and Dance Department has yet to comment on this distinction. 

Students are wary of the new course and its physical prerequisites. “I was hoping they would just remove the requirement entirely, but now I have to figure out how to isolate my ‘hot pelvic energy’ so I can move more than just side-to-side,” shared junior Frederick Moth. “Melvin puts his sweaty hands on my hips to make me move the way he’s instructing and he just smells like stale yoga mat”. “I feel like I could learn more if I just went to a club and watched people dance,” stated Senior Everett Plye, “This is exactly what we all do at house parties but the fluorescent lights are on and there’s no music”. The campus community shall see if Gyrating and Beyond stands the test of time and maybe we’ll all be a little better at grooving because of it.

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