ST. PETER, MN — It has gotten to that point in the semester where students are feeling the strain of finals and the end of the year. While going to the bars and partying has been nothing new for the Gustavus student body, students have been spotted going to the bars earlier and earlier within the week, with Tuesday nights becoming popular for bar-goers. “Dude, the fact that I’m graduating in three weeks and have to finals is such bullshit,” slurred Senior PoliSci major Cheryl Brennings, “I’m not an alcoholic, but being drunk is making everything A LOT easier to palate. It’s either this or I give up right before the finish line!”

Gusties and other college students alike are notorious for their substance abuse, with many taking shots just to make it through their lectures and after school activities—even professors, feeling the stress of grading assignments that they themselves assigned, have been seen clasping tightly to travel mugs filled with “totally-not-spiked” coffee as they struggle to get through their 50 minute class period. Out of all members of our golden Gustie community, however, none suspected Queen Becky B. to be such a party animal.

“She really took advantage of the free beer and wine at the senior social,” mused Cheryl Brennings boyfriend, Senior Physics major Brett Herning, who was holding a puking Brennings hair back as he recalled what he witnessed on Thursday night. “Cher and I were just sticking to the wall, avoiding the alumni association and drinking from our little sample cups, but then I noticed a familiar brown bob stumbling across the hall.”

According to numerous eye-witness reports, Becky was seen drunkenly approaching numerous students for conversation, with at least three people claiming that Becky went up to them and “promptly started sobbing” on their shoulders over their impending graduation. With half a glass of wine in her system, Becky spent roughly 45 minutes making her love for the Gustavus community well-apparent to all those who attended the senior social. Everybody has their limits, however, and soon Becky was seen leaving the social to make the trek back to her on-campus house. She didn’t make it too far, however, soon tripping over her heels and going down for the count on the sprawling green grasses of Donor Plaza. The students in the surrounding Beck and IC buildings had the experience of looking out the window to a passed out Becky for 15 minutes before she was found by Campus Safety and subsequently fireman carried home. 

May Becky’s messy Thursday be a cautionary tale for those on campus who consume liquor, as anyone is susceptible to making a headline of themselves during the week. Drink responsibly and hang in there, Gusties!