‘We’re So Screwed’ States Football Player After Learning They Will Have to Play Other Schools in the Fall

ST. PETER, MN– Athletics is something Gustavus has always prided itself upon, being an institution that stresses the importance of both academic and athletic excellence.  Gustavus is home to a variety of varsity sports that compete in the MIAC, including the renowned Golden Gustie football team.  Unfortunately for them, however, a recent announcement from the MIAC announced that the team would have to play other schools in the coming fall.  

A recent announcement from the MIAC not only declared that Gustavus would have to play against other schools in the fall, but also keep score.  “This is just a real slap in the face,” stated coach Peter Haugen.  “There’s no reason we should have to play against other colleges, it’s just not fair.”  The Golden Gusties competed in what by their standards was a remarkable season in 2021, going 6-2 in the MIAC and not being selected to go to the national tournament for the 34th year in a row.  According to Coach Haugen,  the team peaked in 2020 when they were able to simply scrimmage within their own team due to COVID restrictions.  When word got out that the 2021 season would be normal, pandemonium struck the team as they realized there were other college football teams in Minnesota.  After scraping out a socially acceptable season, the football team were counting on another wave of COVID to strike and save them in the 2022 season, but to no avail.  

The Golden Gusties are preparing an appeal to the MIAC to protest their decision, which they are calling “cruel and unfair”.  “I joined the football team here because I knew there weren’t any expectations and it would be a generally chill experience,” said sophomore tight end Harrison Butte.  “It just sucks we have to play against other schools like St. John’s and Bethel and stuff, we’re so screwed.”  

In order to prepare for the upcoming season, the coaches have decided to double the roster size of the team in the hopes that at least some of them will be somewhat athletic. This action will effectively have the football team make up 25% of the Gustavus population. With any luck, this large group can hopefully make at least a mediocre performance this coming fall season. More updates to follow.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS