ST. PETER, MN – At 6 a.m. on Wednesday morning, a horde of Gusties waited at the entrance to the new expansion of the Lund Athletic Center, curious what the multi-million dollar project had created. Gasps of shock and awe were audible as the doors opened to reveal a stunning scene: an enormous indoor trampoline park.
Lead Bricklayer Gerald Girm gave a rousing speech to commemorate the event, in which he recited the name of every brick he had contributed to the project. Additionally, every Lutheran pastor under the age of 40 was present to give their blessing to the new facility, in hopes that it might one day be used as a youth group center for reluctant Christian teens. President Rebecca Bergman was unable to attend, but was beamed in via hologram and projected bouncing up and down on the trampolines. Gus the Lion was honored with the first jump on the trampolines, but had to be chained up after he began deflating them with his bare claws.
“It’s a game-changer, for sure,” said Edgar Krinch, director of the Lund Expansion. “The new facility is sure to bring star trampoline gymnasts to Gustavus. Our competitive trampolining team is gonna be on D1 level. I mean, we’ve gotta be good at something, right?”
When asked how many prospective students he thought the trampoline park would attract, Krinch said, “We’re aiming for three or four, hopefully.”
Meanwhile during the ceremony, a large group of orchestra students were gathered outside the athletic center, clutching wooden bowls and begging for spare change. The students were met with disdain from administration officials, who frowned and muttered something about “greedy kids.” Piled nearby were the corpses of twelve art students, who had died of dysentery after drinking from water fountains in the art building.
The first trampolining competition in Lund will take place on May 16. It will involve gladiatorial-style combat, in which contestants must bounce their competitors high enough so that their heads are severed by a ceiling fan. Prospective Gusties are encouraged to attend, so long as they bring a tuition down payment and a bucket of lutefisk as tribute for the victors.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS