ST. PETER, MN. – Parking Permits. We all know them. We all hate them. But we all need them in order to drive the necessary 20 minutes in any direction from the Gustavus Campus to do something actually fun. In disturbing news, Gustavus and the Campus Safety office has devised a new plan to exploit students’ need to be mobile on a whole different level: Walking Permits. 

    “We realized there was a whole untapped market of money to be made from simply charging students to use the campus’s sidewalks” stated Assistant Campus Safety Director Chris Gilbertson “Much like parking permits, they literally have no choice but to pay because this campus is unlivable without a car OR walking”. Starting Fall 2022, all students must file for a $500 sidewalk permit, which is to be worn on a lanyard around their necks at all times outside their dorms. Lanyards are also required to be purchased from the BookMark for a modest $35. Campus Safety officers will be on patrol 24/7 to ensure no students without proper permits are utilizing the campus sidewalks. Should a student be caught without a permit, they will first face a fine until their third offense, after which they themselves will be towed away by a local St Peter towing company, at their own expense. 

    Students are outraged. “ I have to pay thousands of dollars to live in a shoebox, park at a college I pay tuition to, and now WALK??? The caf may as well charge me for smelling the food at this point” shared Junior Kenna Macintosh. There have been protest groups organizing a “Walk on Grass” campaign in an attempt to promote traveling outside the campus’s sidewalk systems. Unfortunately, the Fourth Crown has caught wind that Physical Plant and GTS are colalborating to electrify the campus’s grass lawns with a deadly voltage level to mitigate student’s ability to walk on grass. “We’re not too sure what will happen if a student DOES step on the grass, but I’ve heard burning flesh smells really bad” stated GTS representative Mill Miller. 

On that note, now’s a good time to look into levitation Gusties.