ST. PETER, MN – The meager days of sunshine we have experienced in the past week have prompted many students to break out the shorts they have had stashed in the back of their closets since August. This shift in campus wardrobe has caused great concern among campus officials, however, based on the dire lack of Gustie rear-end thickness. In response to this impending threat, the Health Service has come out with an exciting announcement: they will be offernig Brazillian Butt Lifts free of cost (to students with insurance) on weekdays leading up to the last day of finals!
Popularized by Instagram and Tik Tok influencers, Brazilian Butt Lifts have been all the rage in popular culture lately. Offering this medical procedure not only helps to increase average campus buttocks size but also keeps Gustavus on the map as a relevant community. “We have been trying to stay up to date with the latest trends that the kids are doing these days. Promoting the school on social media and having Squishmallows at events seems to not be enough to keep us culturally relevant, so we’ve turned to more drastic measures,” says campus Marketing Director Jamie Shutter. A new wave of Gusties emerging from campus center with voluptuous posteriors is sure to boost campus morale and social media presence.
Along with the Respiratory Clinic which was established in response to the COVID-19 Pandemic, a new clinic for elective cosmetic enhancement procedures will be erected shortly after Lund is actually done being renovated. Services offered in addition to butt lifts are to include lip lifts, chin fillers, eye color changes, knee reconstruction, aortic valve augmentation, and earlobe replacement.
Good luck with your new heinies, Gusties! Suns out, buns out.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS