Chill Professor Forgoes Final in Favor of 1v1 Mixed Martial Arts Tournament

Finals week is upon us, and getting through it can be a difficult time for many students.  After weeks of stress and anxiety over the upcoming final exam, a class of students here on the hill were recently relieved when they heard that the final exam had been canceled in favor of a different kind of final assessment.  Professor Stan Shetka decided to forgo the final exam in favor of a last man standing, 1v1 MMA tournament.  

In an interview, Professor Shetka credited the idea to his Saturday night viewing of MMA, which he quoted as “totally badass” and “a great test of true character”.  Shetka also said he could see the stress and toil that his students were going through approaching finals week, and thought they could use a way to let off some steam.  “There’s just something majestically artistic about physically dominating a person into total submission,” described Shetka.  “I really want my students to just let the creative juices flow in their brawls.”  

So, this Friday the students of ART-101: Art History will be partaking in the intense physical competition to determine their final grade. The students will be graded on a cumulative score based on three elements: number of other students rendered unconscious, creativity in their attacks, and the length of their matches. Students were pleased to learn that the test will also be graded on a curve, which is suspected to be due to the presence of Jackson Smithfield in the class, a starting linebacker on the Golden Gusties football team who needed an art credit. “I just don’t know if I’m cut out for this,” said concerned first-year Studio Art major Reed Jones. “I’ve never been one for physical confrontations, and I thought that wouldn’t be an issue in the Studio Art major!”

The tournament will be held in the typical classroom setting, with two participants entering the locked room at a time, cage-match style. Shetka is also encouraging students to use any of the items within the classroom to “express themselves” with their attacks, urging students to “be imaginative” and “let creativity flow”. Live coverage of the event will be provided by the Fourth Crown and be available for pay-per-view in the Caf. More updates to follow.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS