Student Aimlessly Wanders Through Caf at 7:00 pm Deciding Between Chicken Strips or Pizza

ST. PETER, MN– To the uninformed outsider, it seemed to be a normal Monday evening at the Evelyn Young Dining Hall. For first-year Naomi Billington, however, it was a tense and anxiety-filled experience as she raced into the Caf. Upon entering and viewing the selection of food, her worst suspicions were confirmed as she was left to decide between chicken strips or pizza. 

“I knew I was screwed when I checked my watch,” said a dejected Billington. “It was nearly 7:00 PM so I don’t know why I even went to the Caf in the first place, let alone expect there to be anything worth eating.” In denial, Billington then went on to wander around to the different stations, longingly imagining the mediocre food that had been there only hours beforehand. Billington was then left with the decision that Gusties know all too well: Chicken strips or pizza? “I don’t know what they are all so fussy about, the culinary possibilities and combinations that pizza and chicken strips bring are truly limitless,” stated dining services employee John Cornman. “We specifically leave just those two items out to allow students to express themselves creatively, whether it be a chicken strip wrapped in a pizza or a pizza wrapped around a chicken strip.” 

The lack of options in the Caf has left many Gusties upset, confused, and hangry. A recent report revealed that 86% of first-year students are completely unaware that a sandwich line exists in the Caf. “I always thought that was just a relic from the past, kinda like walking through the old part of Lund,” said amazed first-year Jill Collingsworth. “Come to think of it, it would be great if I could get a sandwich once in a while to go along with my chicken strips.” Another report showed that Caf-dining Gusties eat an average of 5.5 chicken strips, 6.7 onion rings, and 4.2 pieces of pizza a day. According to the school’s registered dietician and nutritionist Jen Donkin, said diet “raises some concerns”. On an unrelated note, the St. Peter Co-op has disclosed that it has been experiencing its busiest hours of the day from 7 PM – 9 PM. More updates to follow.

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